· Local Cleveland newsbimbo mauled by vicious housepet!
· Amazingly, TV networks aren't anxious to run this Casey Affleck PETA ad graphically showing the torture of the delicious animals served at the eating establishments of their other sponsors.
· Angelina Jolie AdoptionTracker: the thank-you note! (Which may or may not have been pinned to a bag containing a two million dollars "donation".)
· In the next Scriptland column: Frustrated screenwriters who turn to violence.
· John Travolta considers petitioning Scientology elders for permission to use the still-experimental baby-fabricating technology responsible for Suri Cruise to impregnate his 44-year-old wife.