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This image was lost some time after publication.

PAUL BOUTIN — That video on how to win a geek's heart is cute, but it answers the wrong question. What SVUG wanted to know was, how do us dorks get the girls? Wrong approach: Code Monkey hang around at front desk. After the jump, links to the shoe stores and nightclubs you need to visit.

Most straight male programmers and sysadmins are lonely. They're great with puzzles, rule systems, and all things mechanical, and for this they've always been the popular crowd's outcasts. You have no idea how incredibly hot that is — to the right demographic. Deep geeks looking for love need to get out of the office and away from the sales and marketing gals. What kind of lady wants a nerdboi? More than one:

  • Goth girls — The South Bay goth/industrial scene is a great place to meet women who'll appreciate your meticulous talent with mechanical contraptions, especially if lots of buckles and straps are involved. You do your best work at night? You're so many standard deviations from the norm that you feel like a different species? You're kind of pale? Do I need to draw you a Venn diagram, Lestat? Get thee to Villains on Haight Street and replace your Google shirt and tightey-whities with an all-black wardrobe.
  • Lady lawyers — They're smart. They're educated. They're hard-working. They make even more money than you. That's why lawyer-engineer couples are more common than you think. But because they're second only to Republicans in being openly hated, lawyers are even more reclusive and clannish than Goths. SVUG has yet to find their secret hangout. Best guess is somewhere near the Skadden Arps office in downtown Palo Alto. If you're going to cruise for barristers, ditch the sneakers and put on some Kenneth Coles. Not because they're the best, but because Kenneth doesn't carry any really dorky shoes to which you might be drawn.

Of course, it takes more than cool shoes to win over the opposite sex. SVUG's research has revealed two things women say make them flip the Bozo Bit on geek guys. Luckily, both are easily remedied with a ruleset:

  • Rule #1: In conversation, never start a sentence until the woman has reached the end of hers. Lawyers always notice.
  • Rule #2: Never, ever wear the same shirt two days in a row. Not even your favorite. It's a hard habit to break for a guy, one that requires both planning and attention. Good thing there's Google Spreadsheets.