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While lesser celebutards rack up utterly mundane DUIs by swerving away from the Hyde valet stand after a long night of washing down plates of delicious chocolate chip cookies with entire bottles of Grey Goose, skeletal, discarded Hilton sidekick Nicole Richie shows the amateurs how a substance-abusing pro earns a traffic stop: according to TMZ, Richie was popped very early this morning for driving the wrong way on the 134 in Burbank after two motorists, understandably alarmed by the sight of an SUV piloted by what seemed to be an eleven-year-old girl traveling against the flow of traffic, called 911. Richie further distinguished herself from the Single Margarita crowd by passing a Breathalyzer but telling cops that she'd taken Vicodin and pot, a chemical cocktail not known for enhancing one's ability to read the signs that would direct them into freeway lanes less likely to result in head-on collisions. With a listed weight of just 85 lbs, Richie's attorneys can probably claim that her client didn't willingly ingest the illicit substances, as her innocent handling of a prescription pain medication bottle was enough to impart the pills' mind-altering effects to an individual with such a dangerously low body mass; failing that, they can adopt the preliminary, vehicular-malfunction-based defense tactics seen in the Lane Garrison case, blaming her directional misadventures on a renegade GPS system that seized control of her car and steered it into oncoming traffic.

BONUS: The Smoking Gun has the booking sheet from Richie's arrest, which indicates the many changes she's undergone since her 2003 heroin possession charge: She's now an inch shorter, five pounds lighter, and has switched races from white to black.