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With the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes set to take place in Italy just a few hours from now, it's finally sinking in: There is really nothing any of us can do to help her, other than hope that as we speak, a ragtag commando group comprised of Holmes ex-boyfriends Joshua Jackson, Chris Klein, and the sweet kid from fifth grade who's now a claims adjuster in Toledo are quietly scaling a turret at Odelschi Castle, making a last-ditch effort to save their former love from her absurdly well-guarded cell. Unfortunately, even this crazy rescue fantasy of ours ends in Klein tripping over his own feet while attempting to dance through a seemingly impenetrable lattice of alarm-triggering lasers, a tragic act of clumsiness that results in the brave trio's public hanging at tomorrow's wedding reception. In short: Goodbye, forever, Katie. We'll always have Wonder Boys and that thirty or so seconds from The Gift. Enjoy this final round-up, for the next time we speak of the couple, it will be as Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise:


· The excitement of Bracciano's populace about hosting the wedding has reached such a fever pitch that thousand of locals may starve to death, unable to pause from spontaneous celebrations of joy long enough to meet their basic nutritional needs: "'Everybody is so enthusiastic. ... it's not an everyday thing to have a Hollywood star as a guest,' Sabbatini said. 'That's all anyone is talking about. Wherever you go, they're talking about it. People aren't even taking the time to buy bread!'" [AP]

· Cruise and Holmes have "revived" La Dolce Vita in Rome. [Reuters]
Cruise and Holmes have "ignited" La Dolce Vita in Rome. [AP]
Perhaps the only thing more terrifying than the Cruise-themed menus of local businesses are the shrines they're erecting to honor their famous guests. Enjoy a mini tour of the scary displays by clicking here, here, and here. [Getty Images]
TMZ calls tomorrow's wedding "the most overrated night of the year," then eleven minutes later devotes an item to exploring why various celebrity guests were invited. [TMZ, TMZ]
Holmes' parents, apparently drinking the same tainted well water that Cruise has used to brainwash the entire town, claim to be "very happy" to be attending the ceremony at which they will see their daughter for the final time. [People]