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With All Hallow's Eve quickly approaching, we thought it might be appropriate to pay another visit to the old Smith place—surely the most terrifying house on the block, where Anna Nicole's hollow, permanently lit pumpkinhead glows ominously in the window, and a neverending cast of ghoulish, payout-seeking relatives are ready to jump out at any moment, curdling your blood with exclusive excerpts from their ghostwritten tell-alls:

In her forthcoming book with Stacy Brown, "Train Wreck: Anna Nicole Smith Unauthorized," [Smith's estranged half-sister Donna] Hogan holds Smith responsible for the death of Smith's 20-year-old son, whom she buried last week in the Bahamas.

Hogan charges that Anna neglected Daniel, knew about the drugs he was taking and didn't do anything. [...]

"[Anna] waits forever to bury him and two days after he dies, she's selling pictures of him to the tabloids and I'm thinking, 'What a freaking waste of a human being, my sister is.'" [...]

According to Hogan, Smith "doesn't even know who the father of her children is," and suggests that her newborn's father could be her late husband, millionaire J. Howard Marshall, because Smith "always talked of freezing the old man's sperm."

Hey, it's not like we didn't warn you. And while some may not spook so easily at images of Hogan huffing Marlboro reds and demanding that co-author Brown "use that fancy book-speak to say, like, 'She was Vickie Lynn back then, and that whore fucked half the fry cooks in Mexia,'" we doubt there are any among you immune to the heebie-jeebie-inducing effects of the chilling tale of the inheritance-securing heirsicle.