Stalk of the Town: The Devil and Ms. McCarthy
The time: 1 p.m.
The date: September 11.
The place: Bergdorf's.
Sighted: "Jenny McCarthy, 5th floor of Bergdorf's with an entourage of 2, wearing a plaid coat and sky high heels and hair, on her cell, saying 'better than the $20 million that Ryan Seacrest is going to pay me?'."
September 11 is indeed a black day. On that date in 1981, Aneesa from Real World Chicago was born. In 2001, the twin towers crumbled, taking with them many human lives and nearly Century 21. And, perhaps most disturbingly, on September 11, 2006, Jenny McCarthy succumbed to an indecent proposal, proffered by the devil (who wears Prada) himself, Ryan Seacrest.
Before settling on Ryan Seacrest's indecent proposal, Jenny entertained a host of other generous offers, undoubtedly including Ricky Martin's offer of his priceless Menudo memorabilia. However, none of these admittedly enticing offers was "better than the $20 million Ryan Seacrest is going to pay." And while $20 million is a huge chunk of change, it was just another business expense to Ryan Seacrest, who will go to any lengths to preserve his staunchly heterosexual image. In accepting Seacrest's pact, McCarthy exterminated what little dignity she had left and contracted to be Ryan's Hollywood beard. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Ryan Seacrest — wait for it — is gay.
In the same way that Lance Bass successfully "convinced" the public for years that he was straight before astonishingly "revealing" that he was gay, Ryan Seacrest has ingeniously duped an entire nation into believing that he, too, is straight. Only a fool could interpret his clever tagline "Seacrest ... Out" literally. No rational person could interpret his response to the are-you-gay question — that he has "straight male habits" — as anything other than vehement denial. And who could examine the powerful photographic evidence of Ryan awkwardly frenching Teri Hatcher against her will and conclude that he's gay? No one.
Ryan's offer — $20 million for several months of fraudulent dating and photo ops, mornings spent painting Feria highlights on his frosty locks, and quiet nights playing Parcheesi on opposite sides of the coffee table — is understandably tempting for a woman dating Lemony Snicket. Twenty million would give Jenny the freedom to publish the eagerly anticipated sequel to her bestseller Belly Laughs. Twenty million would give Jenny, unlike Teri Hatcher, the freedom to refuse to do commercials for Radio Shack. Most importantly, $20 million means never having to worry about where your next fake tan or set of implants is coming from.
But what Jenny doesn't know is that Ryan isn't good for the money — he's only worth $12 million.
