Having apparently decided that the same absurd levels of secrecy employed in keeping Suri Cruise unseen by the public during the four months since her alleged birth should be applied to preventing the curious from gazing upon the first photographs of the baby a minute before their planned publication, Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter will order security guards to gun down in cold blood any malefactor who would attempt to leak the precious, highly-anticipated, Annie Leibovitz-lensed images. (Our rendering of what the photos might look like is presented here once again for your fresh horror.) Jossip alleges:

We hear from a pretty well placed source that Graydon Carter is going to extremely great lengths to protect his Suri photos. Even placing armed guards outside the printer, and forcing everyone who works there to sign a confidentiality agreement that they won't let a single Suri pic slip before the cover hits stands.

Perhaps when Carter is apprised of yesterday's unexpected unveiling of Suri's bronzed poop, a proof of the baby's existence just as valid as any elaborately staged photographs of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes cradling the prop-baby they rented for the Vanity Fair shoot, he'll realize he's already been beaten to the publicity-attracting punch and decide to save the magazine some money on live ammunition.