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Before we begin this week's treatment of New York mag's Look Book, we just need to say something: holy fucking wow. We don't mean that in a nasty way; we're truly in awe of unemployed Judy Arlick, who keeps herself busy by decorating her door for all the holidays and painting her scary claw nails. Judy used to model for a "well-known raincoat" house, but now she spends her time trying to figure out how to get away from the East Village, where she's forced to live amongst "low-class people." Poor Judy — not everyone below 14th can manage to swaddle themselves in dead animals and accessorize like Laurel Touby.

After the jump, John McGill, Jo Piazza, and Tim Stack do their best to address Judy's magic.

John McGill, sharkitect-cum-model-cum-rapper

If you were Judy's offspring, what would be your chosen form of rebellion?

Judy probably didn't "have the heart" to have kids, either. And I don't mean that she thought it was wrong to bring a child into a world so full of low-class people and fungus — she literally doesn't have a heart, or even any blood to pump with one, for that matter. A pregnancy, I think, requires both.

Where should Judy move?

Morals, principles, and respect are getting harder to come by these days, especially in New York. She'd find the respect bit in certain outer boroughs but perhaps not so the morals. But mainly I think she'd like to find a place where jealous wives don't compel their husbands to steal neighbors' holiday decorations. Between that and her desire for respect and principles, Staten Island's Todt Hill is starting to sound pretty ideal. The houses are sensibly spaced and festively decorated, and people will continue to tell her that color-coordinated boas are the pinnacle of elegance.

Has Judy ever used her nails as daggers? If so, where and when?

During the 1988 Seoul Games, Judy "Nimble Nosferatu" Arlick butted heads with the late Florence Griffith Joyner immediately following the 4x400 relay, in which the American women narrowly eked out a silver.

The beef was over the sloppy exchange between Judy's third and FloJo's anchor leg, when the baton chipped the former's nail. At the medal ceremony, Judy lunged at her teammate, brandishing the jagged weapon exactly like a dagger, but was easily repelled by FloJo's sword-like — and possibly performance-enhanced — nails.

What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you think "very well-known raincoat house"?

She wants us to think "Burberry," but she's deliberately misleading us. See, when I was in second grade we read this book called Sideways Stories from Wayside School. In one story, a surly kid named "Sammy" refuses to take off his hooded raincoat indoors. When the teacher takes it off of him, he finds nothing but layer upon layer of raincoats and, finally, at the center, a dead rat. I don't know if she was ever in Burberry catalogs or not, but the only reason she'd bother wearing a raincoat of any stripe is to conceal the rather odiferous detail that her heartless core is, in fact, an expired rodent.

Jo Piazza, cuddly-panda-equivalent of Daily News gossips

If you were Judy's offspring, what would be your chosen form of rebellion?

Marrying a Korean manicurist.

Where should Judy move?

Somewhere with lots of morals, principles and respect, like New Jersey.

Has Judy ever used her nails as daggers? If so, where and when?

Only when those Long Island bitches try to cut in front of her at the West Babylon location of JoAnn Fabric and Craft. She's picking out the perfect green chintz to create a St. Patricks's Day garden gnome for the steps of her East Village pad, and she won't tolerate line-jumpers.

What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you think "very well-known raincoat house"?

Trojan.


Tim Stack, writer

If you were Judy's offspring, what would be your chosen form of rebellion?

If I were Judy's son, my form of rebellion would be to dress exactly like her. I bet she'd hate that. Thankfully I already have a little fur hat just like hers. And metallic gold nails for sure. Oh and I'd steal stuff from our front door and tell her I saw the neighbor do it. Being Judy's kid sure is fun!

Where should Judy move?

I think Judy should move to Crazytown. I hear they have an opening for an executive assistant to the chairman of the board.

Has Judy ever used her nails as daggers? If so, where and when?

Digging through the half-off decorations bin at the Hallmark store can be quite treacherous, so Judy has definitely used those nails to cut some bitches. When there's only one dancing Santa left and you need it to finish off your garish home-decorating masterpiece, it's every fur-covered woman for herself.

What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you think "very well-known raincoat house"?

The first thing that jumped into my head when she said "well-known raincoat house" is that good old Jude has probably posed for some senior citizen fetish magazines. I'm thinkin' she modeled a raincoat, some surgical stockings, and not much else. It's a big niche. Especially amongst the seniors living in the East Village.