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We love it when New York bmag's Look Book features darling old biddies, like Lois Evans. Lois is an ex-diplomat whose job was to greet visiting dignitaries like Indira Gandhi and tardy Trudeau. Lois is a lady with an undoubtedly shady past — her husband was a legal partner of Richard Nixon's — but she's not talking. What she will reveal, however, is that she showed her knees in Tonga, which makes her a depraved criminal. We like that!

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Marika Knowles, Jen Carlson, and Alex Gartenfeld to marvel at the sartorial splendor.

Marika Knowles, Dada Poodle, The Museum of Modern Art

Why did Trudeau arrive late?

Forced to judge an episode of Project Runway, Trudeau and Santino got into an ugly face contest, which Trudeau won by using Tresemme hairspray to freeze one side of his face in a tribute to all those scary extras in Hitchcock movies. Angered, Santino called for a walk off, and Nick cried because Trudeau stole his model and dressed her in a Quebecois flag. Trudeau then rushed off to the consulate but stopped first to throw snowballs at the French American society, one of which ricocheted off the building and froze the other side of Trudeau's face, so that when he finally arrived at the party and tried to say 'nice to meet you' to Lois, all that came out was, "I'm a communist and your Burberry bag is a big ugly fake."

What did Richard Nixon think of Lois's tinted glasses?

He didn't dig them as much as his own 'Watergate Wraparounds.'

What are Lois's views on single parenthood?

It's fine as long as you use the royal 'we' whenever referring to yourself, so nobody knows that you are manless and spend your mornings wrapped in a cashmere blanket, pouring whiskey into your lattes so you can gather the courage to pick up the kids at Saint Ann's all by yourself.

On a scale of 1-10 how hot were Lois's knees?

It's actually not a crime in Tonga to have one's knees exposed, but that's what they had to tell Lois because the King was so horrified when he saw Lois's bony, waspy knees poking out from beneath her boucle Chanel skirt, that he cried out 'that woman looks just like an impala.' But Lois thought he was only saying 'nice to meet you' so she tried to say 'nice to meet you too' and reached across the table to try to shake his hand, when the King crawled under the table in order to escape her, and it seemed like he was just trying to get closer to her bare knees, as if they were an irresistible temptation, so when the Secret Service finally dragged the King out from under the table they told Lois that the King was obsessed with her knees because he had never seen knees before. And Lois sighed with relief that she had been rescued from the savages, the King placed incredibly heavy taxes on the importation of Chanel suits, and Karl Lagerfeld called the President to complain and the President decided to invade Tonga because women there were being oppressed.


Jen Carlson, Gothamist arts + entertainment editor and master of the Daily Refill

Why did Trudeau arrive late?

Canadians are slow, eh. Just kidding. He was probably just waiting for his wife to finish banging Mick Jagger.

What did Richard Nixon think of Lois's tinted glasses?

Nixon hated the tinted glasses and promptly had Charles Colson add Lois to his Enemies List(TM), just under Paul Newman.

What are Lois's views on single parenthood?

I'm not sure. But are those two different types of fur trimming her coat collar and cuffs? I think the real question here is "What are Lois's views on animal cruelty?" And I think I know the answer.

On a scale of 1-10 how hot were Lois's knees?

I'm just appalled that she wasn't wearing a striped morning coat and carrying a silk hat in the presence of the King. This is required, even today! Ergo, she is stupid and must have had hot knees in order to get so far in her diplomatic pursuits.

Alex Gartenfeld, Paper mag editorial intern and Columbia University slave

Why did Trudeau arrive late?

I couldn't say for sure, but I hear they've got some mighty fine lookin' Mounties out behind the embassy. Right up Trudeau's back alley, if you know what I mean. And judging by the wig and the fur trim, Old Evans probably drove around the meanest sort of pimp-mobile.

What did Richard Nixon think of Lois's tinted glasses?

Nixon gets a bad wrap. He was a caring and compassionate man, with a great eye for a woman in need. Mystified and finding himself surprisingly erect, Nixon found himself drawn to Lois Evans, the unfortunate woman with the bloated face and emaciated hands. He couldn't bear to ask a single thing of her, so Lois mainly sat around in the office her husband and Nixon worked, downing beer and Cheetos. He didn't dare ask her to remove the tacky glasses, especially during those long nights when he her husband left early and he kissed her moon face. He never even discovered her glass eye.

What are Lois's views on single parenthood?

Lesbians, all of them. Man-haters and hipsters, caught up in the dangerous and alluring cult of Mary Cheney. But as for Lois's daughter, she's just a mixed-up girl on the wrong side of the tracks. If only she would learn to greet her man each night with power lipstick and a designer-logo bag, if only she'd get that extensive cosmetic surgery she must secretly long for (she's already 30, by God! A women needs to stand by her looks), her poor husband would run back to her in a second.

On a scale of 1-10 how hot were Lois's knees?

We only know this because the king of Tonga is such a flirt and a gossip. He had one word for us: calluses. They aren't called Heads of State for nothing. What Lois isn't telling us is that that little number that the authorities found so revealing was floor-length. I give her a 4 for foreplay.