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Frederica Monaco is truly blessed: Aside from being featured in this week's edition of New York mag's Look Book, she's totally French and didn't have to wait on the list to score her offensively colossal Birkin bag. She's been in the United States for eleven years, during which time she worked at the French consulate and grabbed herself a husband while she was at Barneys; Frederica is now a mother who takes "shopping days," which are devoted to buying beige items. Admit it: you wish you could spend your life purchasing beige. Either that or, say, punching your monitor right now.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Timothy Gunatilaka, Ian Chillag, and Andrea Neustein to discuss the Frederica's fabulous existence as a kept woman.

Timothy Gunatilaka, Entertainment Weekly editorial assistant

Where at Barneys did Frederica and her husband meet?

Caveat: I'm not a hateful person, so understand the discomfort with which I write this: Frederica met her hubby in the Asshole section. "It's easy to return something if I change my mind", "I've got some connections at Hermes", "I had lots and lots of parties to go to", "[American women get] their hair blow-dried and the manicure and pedicure every single week" are you kidding me? We've been conditioned to indulge pomposity when veiled by the dulcet tones of the French accent, but reading the myopic bullshit of Miss Monaco's carefree, lavish lifestyle in cold black and white (and beige), there's no doubt: What a haughty hoochie-bag a-hole.

It's nice to have a "shopping day." What do you think Frederica does on her other days?

Charity. On the morrow of Coretta Scott King's passing, Frederica has a dream a dream of mending history's misdeeds those darks days when she "could only wear French clothing" to parties. Frederica dreams that Parisians can don American designs like Ralph Lauren. And forget about "five years from now." Frederica has a dream that one day those Ralph Lauren dresses are "still going to look nice" in six years. Amen! And if she fails, at least there are always emaciated toddlers in Manila to make even newer nice dresses. Amen again!

Says Frederica: "I like beige." What else does Frederica like?

What are the chances Frederica's five year old actually lives in that great big Birkin bag? I bet Frederica would like that. It makes shopping easier.

What kind of photos does Frederica's husband take of her?

I am tempted to say something lewd like pictures of Frederica wearing an S&M strappy ball-in-mouth thingy. But that's just because I want her to shut the hell up.


Ian Chillag, Producer for NPR's Fresh Air with Terry Gross

In what department at Barneys did Frederica and her husband meet?

Meeting in a department store! It's so magical, just like Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall in Mannequin! Except gayer. Like, did you see ManOnMannequin with Mandrew McCarthy And Him Cattrall? It's like that. Except Frederica is clearly not made of plastic in any way. And I don't remember Andrew McCarthy having a beard.

It's nice to have a "shopping day." What do you think Frederica does on her other days?

Well, "Shopping Day" falls right between "Exchange Currency for Goods and Services Day" and "Other Shopping Day." Then there's "Try To Remember Where I Left My Five-Year-Old Son Day." On Thursdays she and her handbag get massages together.

Says Frederica: "I like beige." What else does Frederica like?

Shopping day. Child rearing. But if you want to know what Frederica loves, you'll have to get to her heart, and to get there you'll have to penetrate a giant coat haunted by the ghosts of 1000 dead shearlings. If you dare to try, I suggest telling her you think she's a model and you'd like to take her photograph, even though you're a realtor. Because photography, like unimaginative seduction, is your passion.

What kind of photos does Frederica's husband take of her?

Maybe he dresses his French Wife up in French Cut panties? I mean, it's clear he likes a French Cut. Oh, wait—I think I forgot an "n" somewhere in that sentence.


Andrea Neustein, breadwinner, band manager, dropout with panache

In what department at Barneys did Frederica and her husband meet?

As a typical citoyenne fran?aise, Frederica had connections at all the major Paris houses to help her comply with the consulate's compulsory French-only dress code, so she certainly wasn't at Barney's to shop. They met at Fred's, where Ines, the mousy consulate clerk, picked at her Valrhona souffl thinking of home. Enter her future husband with his card, who renamed her Frederica (after the place they met) and swept her into a Pygmalion montage of weekly mani-pedis, blow-outs, and embossed loafers.

It's nice to have a "shopping day." What do you think Frederica does on her other days?

Since all her shopping days seem to be spent buying haute leather objects, Frederica has to spend her other days at Paul Labrecque tanning her purchases to match her skin tone. Neutrals are a go this
season!

Says Frederica: "I like beige." What else does Frederica like?

Evading questions, apparently! Notice how neatly she side-steps the last one with a general statement about American fathers and vain Frenchmen. Read: my husband makes a good nanny, but I'm not opposed to a little Continental breakfast on the side.

What kind of photos does Frederica's husband take of her?

Heh that's a little obvious, isn't it? Editorial reenactments! With a little creative lighting, a good lens, and a passionate Real Estate developer, compulsive shopping can become a "dress story"!