The Golden Globes: An Enchanting Gay Horseback Ride With The Hollywood Foreign Press
If the Emmys are Oscar's crayon-eating little brother, then the Golden Globes are its developmentally disabled cousin from abroad, who somehow manages to coat his mouth in paste, then devour half of the innards of your favorite down pillow while you're busy child-proofing your open electrical outlets. And like that distant relative who pops in once a year (a Christmas here, a funeral there), you're obligated to sit and pretend to be entertained for a few hours as he wheezes out the occasional sticky feather. Think we're exaggerating? Stop what you're doing, go back to the TiVo, and replay the first five minutes of last night's broadcast, an introductory montage of red carpet arrivals set to a "special" version of the already dangerously insipid Pussycat Dolls song "Don't Cha." If you don't find yourself rummaging around the kitchen for a blender large enough to fit around the human head by the time they sing, "Don't cha love that Russell can throw left hooks"/Don't cha know the cowboy with his good looks?" you're far more generous souls than we are.
But now that we've gotten the obligatory disclaimer out of the way, know this: We sat in front of the TV for the full three hours (and we're too embarrassed to note how much of the pre-game festivities we endured) and lapped it all up like an unwatched dog getting its first, sweet, stolen taste of toilet water after a failed term at obedience school. Oh, how we love us some awards show!
After the jump, an illustrated selection of our favorite Globe moments, from red carpet to closing credits.
Great Moments in Globes Cleavage, Part I: Virginia Madsen steps out of her limousine, silently preparing for the coming onstage showdown with Harrison Ford.
Hilary Swank tries to slip quietly past the red carpet interrogation squad, knowing that for the first time in her career, people would probably notice the absence of Chad Lowe.
Great Moments in Globes Cleavage, Part II: In the first of countless, lingering shots of Scarlett Johansson's decolletage, the actress' sumptuous breasts seem to float like gossamer clouds atop magical rose petals.
[Photo: Getty Images]
George Clooney may have captured the Globe for best supporting actor in a drama for Syriana, but may have dashed his Oscar hopes by appearing as Toned, Handsome Clooney, immediately erasing all Academy memory of the dedication to craft represented by Fat Clooney.
Oscar-winning ex-husbands not thanked by Sandra Oh after winning for her supporting role on Grey's Anatomy: Alexander Payne.
Great Moments in Globes Cleavage, Part III, OK, It's Not Technically Cleavage, But Damn, How About Wearing A Bra To The Ceremony, Lady? Division: Drew Barrymore
Even after years with super-sensitive, lite-rock hubby Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow looks less than crazed with desire over “the hunk of the Hollywood Foreign Press,” Philip Berk.
Petulant Celebrity Offspring Spotlight: The latest Miss Golden Globe, Dakota Johnson, can barely hide the look of teenage embarrassment from being forced to stand onstage with mother Melanie Griffith. (A former Miss Golden Globe herself.) Bonus Petulant Celebrity Offspring Fun Fact: According to IMDb, the name of the obstetrician who delivered Dakota is Noble Doss.
Ryan Phillippe hangs on for dear life after movie star wife Reese Witherspoon wins for best actress in a comedy or musical for Walk the Line; he reads the tabloids, and he's not going down like Chad Lowe.
After the opening of the envelope for best actress in a musical or comedy, in which four out of the five nominees were Desperate Housewives cast members, Teri Hatcher practically jumps out of her dress to thank Mary Louise Parker for winning, thus preventing one of her co-stars from stealing away her Golden Globe and unfavorably altering the balance of bitch-power on the set.
If Harrison Ford hadn't slurred his way through the names of the nominees for best screenplay (Munich's “Tony Kirschner” didn't look too amused about the mangling of his name), it would've been hilarious when he handed Virginia Madsen his vodka tonic (Or is he a gin man? But we digress...) so that he could free up his hands to open the envelope. Instead, it looked like he was motioning to the trashy cocktail waitress to freshen up his drink before he threatened to puke on her shoes. The earring, however, remains a classy touch.
(Our pal Uncle Grambo at Whatevs plans an intervention, and breaks down this special moment even further.)
Desperate Housewives executive producer Tom Spezialy celebrates the show's win for best TV musical or comedy: “I want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for this honor, and also for maybe putting to rest rumors that we only had one good year in us.” Perhaps he's overestimating the credibility-granting ability of an organization that drove a guy to suicide over an autographed photo and some stolen beers.
“Ooh, your dress feels so nice, Gwyneth. What is that, chiffon? (whispers) You really crave the touch of a real man these days, don't you? That's right, I know you do. I'll see you in the bathroom once you hand off that token career award to the guy from Bad Company.”
Perhaps sensing that he probably blew his chances with Oscar voters by not showing up in the proper Fat Clooney persona, the actor tries to salvage some voter sympathy by slipping into Drunk Clooney's jaundiced skin. Here, he demonstrates for a delighted cameraman why an empty shot glass makes a poor monocle.
The Continuing Misadventures Of The Petulant Celebrity Offspring: Even standing next to living legend Clint Eastwood can't convince Dakota Johnson to pretend to be amused by Brokeback Mountain director Ang Lee's broken English, which is actually far better than her own.
Felicity Huffman wins for best actress in a motion picture drama for Transamerica, then instantly steps in the Hilary Swank “I'm just a simple girl from the trailer park...with two Oscars” bucket by calling back to her humble Emmy speech thusly: “The second time I didn't work for a year, I gave up any dream that looked like this.” We get it, Felicity. You had a cold spell.
Jake Gyllenhaal couldn't make the ceremony and celebrate Brokeback Mountain's triumph as best drama, but the jokester conspired with the Golden Globes producers to ensure that his presence would still be felt. In a move symbolic of the trio's onscreen relationship, Gyllenhaal requested that each time co-star Heath Ledger and partner Michelle Williams were presented in a two-shot, a giant, rigid phallus should loom ominously somewhere within the frame.
