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After discovering that Steven Spielberg was too strong of mind to be wooed by their Ritalin-hating wiles, Scientologists are moving on to the weakest wounded bird of the celebrity sphere, quietly offering to save model Kate Moss from her powdery master:

“Scientology has become quite proactive in reaching out to people,” says the source. “Kate is a woman who needs help and Scientology feels that they can steer her in the right direction.”

Specifically, says the source, Scientologists will be urging Moss to undergo treatment with Narconon, a drug treatment program with strong links to Scientology. Greg LaClaire, head of the Scientology’s Celebrity Center declined comment, telling the Scoop, “We don’t talk about the private lives of anyone.”

Look—we're going to be up front about this. There is absolutely no way we can discuss Scientology-assisted rehab without making the Tom Cruise Personally—Personally! joke. So here goes: With the chance to recruit help such a red-hot celebrity, Tom Cruise is going to go on hiatus from shooting Mission: Impossible: 3 and personally—personally! hold Moss' Hoover-strength nostrils closed and force-feed her vitamins and sandwiches until she's completely stepped off drugs.

God, we feel so dirty. But the good kind of dirty.