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Look alive there, chitlins! It's 8:50 a.m., and you've got just over two hours to get your shit together in time for the premiere of the first half of Martha Stewart's return to dominance, her live daytime show Martha. Come 11 a.m., that Jane Pauley crap NBC has been running will be but a distant memory, as Martha returns to the stage to highlight your inferiority with a relaxed joviality that only comes from learning to make a shiv in prison.

The show's first guest is Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross, and we can't wait to see Martha bend her over, beat her with a poncho, and make Cross beg for baking lessons. Don't worry: We'll be covering this momentous daytime television event for those of you so unfortunate as to be gainfully employed. After all, we'd never let you starve to death simply because you missed today's essential recipe for for scrambled eggs with cr me fra che and caviar in eggshell cups.

Martha's Back [The Age]
Martha Television [MarthaStewart.com]