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We knew our favorite hurricane-tossed CNN anchor had some difficulty selling his apartment a few months ago. But we had no idea just how emotionally taxing he found the whole experience.

Thank God, then, for Anderson Cooper's column in the new Details (on stands next week), in which he can take a leisurely 750 words to unburden his soul to the mag's closeted-gay readers.

Everyone tells you that buying your first apartment makes you feel like an adult. What nobody tells you is that selling it turns you right back into a child. I know — it's a seller's market, especially in Manhattan, where I live. Interest rates have never been lower, housing prices never higher. But, the truth is, that only adds to the pressure. It's easy to be optimistic when you buy the place — you're taking a stand; your potential profit seems boundless. When you sell, however, you have to face reality. Suddenly, your fate is out of your hands, and the pressure's on. Everyone expects you to make a killing; anything short of that seems like a loss.

Seems Coop couldn't quite get his asking price — or even his lowered asking price — and he was crushed by that. (A Vanderbilt inheritance, apparently, doesn't buy the financial peace of mind it used to.) Even worse, after the price was lowered, "a couple of Web sites announced I'd instantly lost a bundle." (Hmm, wonder what asshole site he's talking about?)

The ultimate point is that his dreams of becoming wheeling, dealing real-estate mogul were shattered:

Selling my first apartment made me realize I'm no Donald Trump. Even if I cover the whole place in gold glitter, I'm never going to be able to retire at 40, and I'm never going to get shtupped by a model named Melania.

Don't beat yourself up too much, Anderson. We're pretty sure real-estate trouble isn't what's keeping Melania from shtupping you.

Details [Style.com]
Earlier: Anderson Cooper Loses $305,000 Overnight