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Taking a cue from the Oscar telecast visionaries who forced winners to enjoy the proudest moment of their lives while standing uncomfortably in the aisles of the audience like overdressed ushers or arrayed on stage like firing-squad fodder, the television academy has recommended similar, time-saving changes to their ratings-impaired Emmy show. Some winners will be urged to keep their speeches brief (choosing "thanks" over "thank you" will save half a second at least), while others will be asked to pre-tape the spontaneous outburst of joy that comes from basking in the highlight of their careers. Still, writers and directors turn the lemons of discontent into the lemonade of acquiescence:

The TV academy's move was viewed as something of a victory for the writers and directors guilds, which had resisted a proposal that the board of governors move 14 of the prime-time awards to the non-televised Creative Arts Emmys. They contended it would marginalize their work.

Hey, at least they'll still get to be on TV, right? They'll feel a lot less marginalized giving their pre-approved acceptance speeches to a bored Emmy official with a camcorder, who only breaks his continuous pantomime of the universal "let's wrap it up" sign to mutter, "You can mention all of your kids now, writer boy, but only one of them's going to make the final cut."