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If you didn't catch the debut of MTV's latest Grubtastic venture, PoweR Girls (the capitalization of the "R" is really pissing us off — how goddamned witty), you are a disobedient wretch. We can't even look at you right now, you thankless whore... Alright, maybe you didn't watch it because you had better things to do, like hitting your corns up with some pumice. Whatever your excuse may be, Gawker special correspondent David J. Klein endured small screen Lizzie and her band of doltish minions, just for you. After the jump, the first report in his weekly (or however long he can take it) PoweR Girls coverage.

Knee-deep in the throes of post-graduation depression, I often find myself pondering such questions as: What am I doing with my life? And, will I ever get a job that offers a 401(k)? And, last but definitely least, why the fuck should I care about Fabian Basabe? Fortunately, PoweR Girls, MTV s latest reality program that doesn t involve Diddy or the Miz, provides the answer to (at most) one of those questions. The long awaited Lizzie Grubman vehicle, which premiered last night, provides a crash course in public relations as well as carte blanche to linger in the k-hole on a weeknight.

The show centers on Lizzie s multi-faceted underlings. There s the blonde one. And the brunette. And the black chick. And the other blonde. Oh wait, the first blonde is an aspiring actress and model. Fun!

Although the girls get paid only slightly better than a Gawker correspondent, the perks come in the form of exclusive celebrity soirees such as a Ja Rule autograph signing at a Philadelphia Bally s, a.k.a. The Ja Rule of Fitness Centers. You got me here lookin like a complete bozo, Ja Rule whines. And he ain t clownin . Apparently, Ja was miffed by the absence of photos for him to autograph. I, however, couldn t quite understand why the future Surreal Life cast member would hold a meet-and-greet next to a row of ellipiticals. But I guess I just answered my own question.

The show shifts into high gear (no, really) when the forgettable foursome organize the opening of Bungalow 8 standby Ruby Falls. Team leader Rachel (she s the brunette) gives us the 411 on how to put together such a fabtastic event. First, you need to create a guest list. That s how we keep track of everyone who s invited, Rachel explains. But that s not all. Then we have to organize the list so we can find people s names quickly and can get them through the door. Amazing. Unfortunately, what Rachel possesses in PR prowess, she lacks in computer competency, evident in her failure to utilize the alphabetize function in Excel. Hey, we can t all be computer science majors.

Just when the workload appears to be, like, way too demanding, the girls must undertake the most daunting task of all, door duty. To work the door is a hard job, according to Lizzie. The girls have the power to get the right people in and the wrong people out. The right people on this night happen to include THREE Apprentice stars. Reality stars attending an opening for a club, which will be featured on a different reality show? Meta.

Everything goes according to plan, which is a real shame. Even with a La Bella Vista Lindsay appearance, tabloid coverage of the event boils down to some good old fashion Lohan trash-talking courtesy of the Grubster. By the end of the show I simply found myself with a crapload of even more questions to contemplate, like: Where s Bijou Phillips slapping a bitch? Or where s Bijou Phillips bitch-slapping a ho? Or where s Bijou Phillips sucking on a nitrous balloon while pissing in a dumpster? That s the shit we want to see. If PoweR Girls aims to get any sort of ink, it better offer something — anything — that, at the very least, would make Richard Johnson reach for his inhaler.