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The pre-Oscar script's been written over and over again: Old Hollywood thinks Chris Rock's going to fuck up their special night of globally-celebrated autoeroticism, while Young Hollywood can't wait to earn points at Chateau Marmont by having their names mentioned on the list of who's got their own dick in their mouth. If you can't wait to see some of what Rock will do on Sunday night, the LAW's Nikki Finke has some spoilers:

(SPOILER ALERT): “No one does the thing they’re supposed to do on the Oscars. Like you watch the Grammys, they singin’. You watch the Tonys, they dancin’. And you watch the Oscars, no actin’. Ain’t no one even thinking about acting. The only actin’ you see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. It’s unbelievable. When Halle Berry won the Oscar, I saw Nicole Kidman smile so big; she should have got an Emmy at the Oscars for her performance. Halle’s mother wasn’t that happy for her.”

OK, funny enough, but can he walk the walk? We hereby offer Rock a crisp five-dollar bill (hey, we're not gonna go crazy and give him the whole Ramen fund) if he points to Leonardo DiCaprio and demands that he stop smiling when Jamie Foxx wins.