Jesus Christ. The sun went down at 4:51 today in New York. Oh my God. It might as well have never come up. That’s so bad—and get this: it’s not going to set after 5 p.m. until January 22nd. You’re in for a long, bad time. This is awful.

That’s three months of misery. God. It’s going to be so dark in the mornings, too. It’s not even cold yet! By January we’ll be blanketed in perpetual darkness, a mantle of bleak evenings like a heap of scratchy wool around your neck—and also freezing. Don’t forget the cold, because that’s headed straight at you, right now. How do we do this every year? I’m amazed any of us are alive, literally any of us. Do those seasonal depression lights do anything? Are those based on any sort of science? Yeah, right—like some dinky LEDs are going to beat this. Try shining a laser pointer directly in your face if you want to escape your new sensory dungeon.

Is there any hope? How am I even going to get home. Please help.

The sunset in Baghdad is later than New York tonight. Plus it’s a lot warmer. Worth it? I’m going to say this much: maybe. The point is, you think you’re unhappy now—and that’s true. But you’re going to feel so, so much worse, for months. Man. Will any of us make it until January 22nd, 2016? Good luck—you’re on your own. Man!

Photo of the inside of your brain: Getty

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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