Late last year, I deleted my Twitter account after deciding that it did not work well with my high-strung and overly anxious personality. Also, the service was basically a stream of toxic refuse. No shade to anyone who uses it (everyone), I just found I was using it too much and that I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of cliquey-microconcerns one too many times to make it worth it.

But do not worry, this is not a thinkpiece about deleting Twitter, or how deleting Twitter has made me a better person and/or writer (it hasn’t—my life is, because of me being me, still Hell). No, this is a tale of vengeance and exposure and retribution against my latest enemy, the Amazing Slut.

Every so often, as if I were to smoke one cigarette a month to prove that I beat my smoking habit, I check Twitter. “No, I still don’t care about this,” I say, gratified and smug. “Same old bullshit. Blah blah blah.”

This month? It was not the same bullshit after all.

It turns out that the Twitter account previously associated with my name, @hidayna, has been taken over by someone—or something—who goes by the name Amazing Slut. The very first result when you search “dayna evans twitter” is the Amazing Slut page. Should you click on the Amazing Slut page, you will find this (NSFW if you scroll down, but you probably already have so I’m sorry):

Amazing Slut is “your most beloved adult celeb.” Amazing Slut has not yet tweeted. If I don’t want to miss any updates from Amazing Slut, all I have to do is sign up on Twitter with my former Twitter name, which is impossible because Amazing Slut has taken it. If I want to know what Amazing Slut is up to, I have to manually check in with her whenever it occurs to me to do so.

An extremely unreliable source (former Valleywag editor Sam Biddle) explained to me that when Twitter accounts with a semi-substantial number of followers get deleted, eagerly-waiting bots scoop up the discarded handles as a way to promote their pursuits. I could take a guess as to what Amazing Slut is promoting, but I won’t know for sure until she tweets. Without doing anything but ostensibly preying on my forgotten handle—a piece of slimy, useless trash I didn’t even want anymore—a new enemy in my life has emerged. An amazing slut. An amazing slut with nothing to say who is trying to co-opt my identity. Amazing slut though I might be, this amazing slut I is not.

After some additional research, I learned that my Amazing Slut is not just slut in nickname, but in practice. Her G-stringed ass is plastered all over dozens more forgotten Twitter accounts, with even better and more exciting names. Dazzling Vixon, Erotic Ass, Striking Amateur—my Amazing Slut is spreading her presence far and wide, taking over @ClaireSeed’s dead account, as well as @PUSSAYGALORE’s. Amazing Slut—if that is your real name—you have revealed yourself to be loyal to no one. An individual with her own needs in mind, to say the least.

I found pages and pages of my Amazing Slut brazenly jutting her bum cheeks into the air for the world to see. Your most beloved adult celeb is not just adored by one, but by many. Her utility, and the utility of the rest of her bare-bummed avatars, is to promote porn. She is a well-oiled internet robot whose skill I cannot even begin to understand. Suddenly, seeing the Amazing Slut’s goods being offered on other defunct Twitter pages brought me closer to the other many abandoners in the world. There we all are: being owned in perpetuity by a savvy and sexy robot because we were too stupid or too twitchy or too unable to maintain self-control over use of a dumb app, the sole purpose of which is to share our meaningless thoughts and promote ourselves. We deserve this fate. We are the lost ones.

The funny thing is, the Amazing Slut—despite my never having given her a thing, never having shown her even a glimpse of my own buttcheek or a shade of my left nipple—has, in turn, bestowed upon me the greatest gift I could ever get out of leaving Twitter. In all their self-gratifying glory, when my fiercest enemies, trolls, and other shitbreathers prepare themselves to search for me on Twitter, in order to give me a piece of their mind in 140-character bursts of anger, they must first search “dayna evans twitter” on Google.

And instead of me, the real, breathing Dayna Evans they are looking for, they will only find her: the faceless ass of the Amazing Slut. Isn’t she great?

Contact the author at dayna.evans@gawker.com.

Screenshot via Amazing Slut