The 10 Best Articles Wikipedia Deleted This Week
The faceless editors of Wikipedia were on a warpath, wiping out glistening kernels of internet knowledge with nothing but ghosts left in their wake. And this week, they were industrious as hell. But we’re not letting them off that easy.
Here’s this week’s set of the best articles Wikipedia didn’t want you to see.
Obscurity
Oh my god.
As far as highly amateur films made by privileged British teens go, Obscurity is the Citizen Kane of our modern era. Granted, 25 out of the 42 minutes consist of some type of physical altercation. About 30 percent of the dialogue is inscrutable due to either the thick accent or the fact that they are maybe not actually speaking any real words at all. There’s no discernible story arc. And the youngest brother’s acting is atrocious.
All this aside, though, it’s almost impossible to look away—and not just in the train wreck sense. I genuinely wanted to see where it was going. And I was mostly disappointed, sure—until the last six minutes or so. Loyalties shift. Stakes are raised. At one point, I earnestly gasped in shock. Would watch again.
Best line:
***SPOILER WARNING***
In the final part of the film, the gang outside launch an attack on Josh, breaking into his house. He manages to fight them off, killing some of them.
Why it got deleted:
Honestly, I don’t care because how dare they.
Why it shouldn’t have been:
Oh my god just watch the movie.
Earworm Songs of 2015
A list of songs that tend to get stuck in your head, and which the article’s author (who is definitely not Taylor Swift) describes as “not extensive.” This is perhaps an understatement.
Best line:
Rather than choose one entry, I present the list in full:
- Hotline Bling By Drake.
- Hello by Adele.
- Can’t Feel My Face by The Weekend.
- Sorry by Justin Bieber.
- Drag Me Down One Direction.
- Marvin Gaye by Charlie Puth, ft. Meghan Trainor
- FourFiveSeconds By Rihanna, Kanye West and Paul McCartney.
- Good For You by Selena Gomez
- Where are U Now by Skrillex and Diplo with Justin Bieber
- EVERYTHING BY TAYLOR SWIFT.
Why it got deleted:
Because Wikipedia is not a repository for “subjective information” or “opinions” or “unverifiable content” or “Taylor Swift’s first foray into the world of autobiographical fan fiction.”
Why it shouldn’t have been:
Please don’t delete Taylor Swift’s hard work. Thank you.
Goldenstash
See below.
Best line:
Fortunately for you, dear reader, “Goldenstash’s” best line is also it’s only line:
Goldenstash, also known as Chadwick W. Gildenstachen, is an image of a man with a golden mustache frequently seen as Sticker art in the Boston area.
Why it got deleted:
Because the street art enthusiasts of Wikipeida are self-important, highfalutin dicks.
Says one asshole: “...As an aficionado of street art (I live in Bristol in the UK, possibly the UK’s most graffed up city) I’d say these stickers are on the dull side of dull. Angry Face he is not.”
Says another, even bigger asshole:
Delete with fire and storm: ... Leaving aside that I’m a native Bostonian interested in street art — such as produced by the late and greatly mourned Sidewalk Sam — who’s never seen any of these stickers, massive GNG failure, never mind that there’s scarcely anything here from which an article can be created.
The latter user (a native Bostonian) goes by the name Ravenswing. Thanks for your input, Ravenswing.
Why it shouldn’t haven’t been:
Art is supposed to challenge you. Goldenstash has clearly done his job. Assholes.
Mongo (Blazing Saddles)
Someone, somewhere, somehow is profoundly passionate about Mongo from the 1974 Mel Brooks film Blazing Saddles. For those unfamiliar, Mongo is not a central figure by any means. Mongo is a bit player, added color—Mongo is, put generously, comic relief. Or as the article’s author describes him, “a tall, violent, unintelligent creature with superhuman strength and a bullying nature.”
Regardless of the limitations of the role, for one man (or woman! or neither, gender is fluid!), Alex Karras’s portrayal of Mongo was powerful enough to warrant a 500 page play-by-play of Mongo’s every move.
Best line:
Mongo is so huge that he rides an ox instead of a horse, and he is so strong that he can knock a horse unconscious with a single mighty blow from his bare fist. He is also capable of comfortably pinning a dozen men against a wall by pushing a piano into them.
Nice.
Why it got deleted:
According to unimaginative user JesseRafe:
I cannot imagine who would point their web browser to wikipedia dot org and then type into the search bar “Mongo (Blazing Saddles)“ or even less likely en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongo (Blazing Saddles). I think I spent more time typing that out than the collective time any putative user who would be served by the redirect to Karras. There are no substantial inboud links to the Mongo page that would serve a redirect rather than just nothing. But I am, sure, do it if you want to.
Sure, Jesse, but did you hear about the horse?
Why it shouldn’t have been:
It’s rare that anyone exhibits sincere, unbridled passion at all these days—much less on the on the toxic walls of the internet. Do not shame Mongo love simply because you don’t understand it. Otherwise, you’re not better than Mongo himself.
Car Drumming
You’re probably familiar with the concept of “drumming.” You’re also probably familiar with the concept of “cars.” This combines the two.
Best line:
Car drumming can be performed alone, by a duo or together with existing music.
Why it got deleted:
Because it is “written like a how-to guide” and because “even if this weren’t made up, nobody really cares about drumming on this particular surface.”
Why it shouldn’t have been:
What happened to Wikipedia eschewing subjectivity? It shouldn’t matter if no one cares about car drumming. Because regardless of how you might feel about it, car drumming exists. And car drumming will not be silenced.
Honorable Mentions
List of Most Viewed Porn Videos of All Time
Unable to Connect to the Internet
