First, we read in Life & Style the most dramatic version yet of the Nick and Jessica divorce story. Snapping! Weeping on planes! But then, we read this:

The image at right (click to enlarge) probably won't be on the newsstands until 10 A.M. or so, but we don't see why you should wait for the news: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you'll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn't you?

• According to reports from the VMA clusterfuck in Miami, Jessica Simpson wouldn't touch or speak to her "husband" Nick Lachey when the cameras weren't watching. How long until they start awarding Emmys for reality television performances? [Lowdown]
• Meanwhile, 50 Cent and Diddy kept their VMA time kosher, requesting that there be no pork in the vicinity. [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan attempts to make peace with the impressively veneered Hilary Duff, but gets hung up on by Duff's sister. Frail ass-kicking TK. [Scoop]
• Robert Downey, Jr. and his new bride, Susan Levin, continue their catfight with billionaire Ron Perelman and wife Ellen Barkin. Downey's released a statement explaining that Perelman was disinvited from Downey's wedding not because Perelman didn't want photos of his house being sold, but because Perelman and Barkin are bitches. [Page Six]

Contrary to popular belief, a 95-pounds-and-shrinking starlet really does understand the denim needs of plus size women. Next up in brand expansion: The Jessica Simpson LSAT prep course.