A chain-smoking, drugged-up, and depressed Kermit the Frog does his take on Elliot Smith's "Needle in the Hay." Who knew Kermit had a dark side? This brings new meaning to his cries of how "it's not easy being green."

It will never end. The Muppets were there when you were born. They will be there when you die. And as long as they exist (forever), they will re-create any and every socially relevant song that ever existed.

Today at Gawker.TV, Martha Stewart talks dirty, we discover the Miley Cyrus doll is a potty-mouth, Justine Bateman tells ghost stories, Neil Patrick Harris is a dirty Frosty the Snowman, and Kermit sluts it up on the Today Show.

The Muppets have always been a beacon for clean, good humor. That's usually after they've had their morning coffee. Because they were certainly not for kids on The Today Show this morning.

Today at Gawker.TV, Sesame Street slanders Fox News, Anthony Bourdain ruins your Thanksgiving, a gang of Turkeys steal a little boy's bike, Dancing With the Stars has technical difficulties, and we discovered that the "flash mob" viral-sensation is played out.

Sherrie Westin, VP of Sesame Street Workshop, went on The O'Reilly Factor to make peace for making fun of Fox News. They brought out a puppet in Bill O'Reilly's spitting image: Spill O'Reilly. Hey, that rhymes with Bill! Clever!

A new YouTube channel called Muppet Studio launched yesterday and delivered this darling video that has undoubtedly been forwarded to many parents today. Queen and the Muppets, together at last.

An exclusive citizen's report from the main drag of Hipster Brooklyn - Bedford Avenue - gives us photographic evidence of a twee takeover of NYC's most gentrified 'hood earlier today: Sesame Street was filming in Williamsburg.

Mayor Mike! What a lovable guy! One minute he's palling around with adorable muppets, the next he's telling a City Hall reporter "you're a disgrace" because the guy asked him a pertinent question about his bullshit rationale for buying a third term.

Michelle Obama filmed a Sesame Street appearance yesterday, and, as any good American would be, she was delighted. Apparently it was even more fun than meeting some ancient English broad!

· Last night on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, John "Leatherheads" Krasinski broke out his heretofore unheralded ability to demonstrate his "Muppet arms." Which, naturally, reminded us of Eric Stoltz's legendary (at least to us) "Muppet walk" from Mr. Jealousy. Whose impression is better? We'll leave that for you to debate in the comments. [CBS, YouTube] · Don't hit the beach this weekend unless your will is up-to-date. Because, if you haven't already heard, sharks are developing legs. [BuzzFeed] · In order to help ensure the Academy Awards don't befall the same fate as the Emmys, burgeoning comedy writer Nikki Finke makes an uproarious recommendation for who should produce next year's Oscars: the Chinese government! With a few more zingers like that, she just might land herself an offer to join Bruce Vilanch's writing team. [DHD] · Aspiring reality show participants, pay heed: Slate has cobbled together nine ways in which you can ensure you're not the first contestant to get kicked off your show. [Slate] · Finally, we can think of no better way for you to end this evening than by spending the next 30 minutes watching Dave Eggers interview Chris Elliott. You are welcome. [Goldenfiddle]

Kanye West is teaming up with Comedy Central for a new show "described as hip hop meets the muppets." It was only a matter of time. [THR]

Despite how wicked and cynical and just plain fucked the world grows, people can still appreciate a good thing now and then. As evidence, Uma Thurman and Law & Order star Jesse L. Martin have both just signed on to appear in the upcoming Muppets Christmas special, "Letters to Santa: A Muppets Christmas." In the special, which airs on NBC this December, Uma will play Santa Clause's flight attendant while Martin portrays a mailman who opens the show with a song-and-dance number. As is mandatory, Kermit, Fozzy, Gonzo, Miss Piggy, and the rest of the crew are determined to save Christmas for some tots whose letters to Santa were lost in the mail. "Thurman and Martin join previously cast Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Sirico and Steve Schirripa, Richard Griffiths and Madison Pettis, along with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy and the rest of the muppets gang. The special, from Muppets Prods., will feature songs by The Muppet Movie songwriter Paul Williams." [TheHollywoodReporter]

Today was kinda grim, what with the crash and the cash-throwing and Back to the Future burning down. But there is nothing bad or mean or grubby about Muppets. So let's watch some friggin' Muppets already!

Kermit the Frog, Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Fozzy Bear, Mariel Hemingway, Michael Murphy, Gonzo and Janice team up in this hilarious new comedy about love and sex in Manhattan. If you ask me, that Janice kid is going places fast! Trailer after the jump.

We hope you people are happy. Harvey Weinstein is going to ruin Fraggle Rock and it's all because you didn't elect Hillary Clinton. [Observer]

· The Dracula: The Puppet Musical sequence in Forgetting Sarah Marshall so impressed the Jim Henson Co., who produced the puppets, that they've hired Jason Segel and Nick Stoller to write and direct the next Muppet movie. They're hoping the whole Apatowian raunch-with-heart formula will lend itself nicely to a story about Miss Piggy's accidental knocking-up by Kermit's unambitious stoner character, which will result in a mutant frig baby that both will love despite its freakishly beflippered snout. [Variety]
· As we noted yesterday, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (that's the one where everyone except Draco Malfoy dies at the end. Kidding! Never read it.) is so expansive, Warner Bros. had no choice but to split it into two, billion-dollar-earning blockbusters instead of the regular one. Consider this a coup for everyone involved—particularly fans of post-jailbait-aged Emma Watson. [Variety]

· Critic-proof director/producer Brian Robbins takes on Jailhouse Rock, a film based on the real-life story of an American Idol-like signing competition (the "Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test") that took place in an Arizona jail, for Disney. While it's probably too soon to think about casting, it's hard not to imagine Robbins throwing some orange jumpsuits on his Wild Hogs dream team and letting them loose on renditions of "Summer Lovin'" and "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights." Projected opening weekend gross: $42 million. [Variety]
· Ben Stiller, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Paulie Walnuts, Bobby Baccala, Alicia Keys,and Sheryl Crow are among those who've signed up for Elmo's Christmas Countdown, a one-hour Muppets holiday special in which the famous will help the ticklish star count down the days to Jesus's birth. [THR]
· HBO renews Big Love for a third, 12-episode season, which should be completed well in advance of a possible strike. In other HBO news, John from Cincinnati still makes no fucking sense. [Variety]
· Fox wins another uneventful, creatively barren, rerun-heavy summer Monday night behind Hell's Kitchen and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? [THR]
· ABC greenlights Here Come the Newlyweds, a reality competition series in which six newly married couples fight to the death (or at least to the divorce) over a steadily increasing cash prize. [Variety]