Writes Baltimore City Paper columnist Mr. Wrong: "I'm sick of this every-other-week crap, so if you have a 'hole' (that's newspaper talk for 'space') and you are interested in filling it with column, please note my second item of this year's 'Top Ten,' which is getting paid, because I really dig on that hard and deep, almost as much as I used to dig on the Subway Sub Club until they kicked everybody out of it, which two years later still pisses me off because I was only two stamps away from getting a half of a foot-long tuna on wheat, with provolone, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, red hots, and salt and pepper put on my sub in that exact order as I slid my feet sideways with my hands almost touching the Subway spit guard, watching the Subway Sandwich Conductor lay plastic-coated mitts on my toppings, but now I totally boycott Subway until they do a Sub Club Amnesty or something. Really, man, I bet I'm not the only estranged and disillusioned Sub Clubber holding an almost-full stamp card, hah? Anyway, if you have a place to put Weekly Wrong, why don't you just go ahead and contact me at my exciting new e-mail address, wrongcolumn@gmail.com." [City Paper]

While we were out snarfing turkeys last week, turns out America's best newspaper typist was putting out a column! Better you read it late than never: "Hey, speaking of meat, have you seen those commercials where these mom-type ladies are trying to kill the King from Burger King? I'm not sure those are some good commercials, you know? I mean, I love me some Burger King, and I enjoy the enigmatic "The King" character currently featured in many of the Burger King promotions, and while I try not to overthink (or even think) on stuff, one could theorize and summarily conclude these women are trying to kill The King because he's trying to kill The Children with his delicious Whopper and Double Cheeseburger meat sandwiches, right? That's what I got out of it, anyway. It's not gonna stop me from going to Burger King when I need a Double Cheeseburger, but then where's the Carbon Footprint there, huh? Or should I say Carbon Assprint?" [City Paper]

"I am OK with the mall, and also, again, eff to you if you have some sorta snotty attitude about the mall and people who go there. You are the same people who talk about how they haven't had a television set for five years. Fine, so you haven't had a television for five years, guess what, I'm still gonna talk about 'America's Next Top Model' or that new show on Home Box where they have sex, but like, in a realistic dramatic setting with a story and dramatic acting and stuff, but it kinda looks like they are really having the sex. Anyway, quit judging me because I like teevee and go to the mall." [Baltimore City Paper]