Two more New Yorkers with swine flu have died. Why isn't there a fresh round of PANIC? Because it looks like the worst is over. And we're not all dead!

After three-and-a-half years of wardrobe-sharing bliss, standing side-by-side through the good times (the Branded Wedding of the Century, brought to you by 1-800-Flowers, Smirnoff Ice, and the Portugal Tourism Board) and the bad (her Barbara Walters-issued View death warrant), ETOnline is now reporting that Star Jones has filed for divorce from husband Al Reynolds. From their Star! On! Her! Own! Exclusive!:

In a stunning development that could throw into jeopardy the jobs of millions of blue collar Americans working in the top-model-refining industry, Tyra Banks may have finally had it with the reality TV competition that effectively launched her star, OK! magazine reports. Things have reportedly gotten "so bad" on the set between Tyra and photo-shoot taskmaster Mr. Jay (who—little known fact—can control the weather by merely rolling back his eyeballs!) that the two "aren't speaking." Even more disturbing, Tyra "only wants to show up on judging day," waiting for the camera's red light to come on before phoning in trademark advice like, "There's a big difference between [wild-eyed facial expression] and [totally fierce facial expression]."

The shameful scandal that has engulfed New York over the past week to the outrage of one and all has finally come to a close. That's right: comedian Billy Crystal has now had his single at-bat in a Yankees spring training game. The ballclub's decision to offer Crystal a one-day contract as a promotional stunt threw a pall over the entire Empire State. Video from the stands of the funnyman's game appearance (not a bad swing!), which the New York Post suspects may have destroyed baseball's integrity, after the jump. Hopefully we can all now move forward with our lives.

Peter Koechley, former managing editor of The Onion, now works for that 2004 throwback MoveOn.org. So everyone who still inexplicably receives their email blasts ought to enjoy his biting wit and trenchant satire as he begs them for money and encourages them to vote for whichever Democratic candidate's loss will be the most heartbreaking. [DC Examiner]

During a rare interview in which chameleonic prankster Sacha Baron Cohen answered questions without retreating into one of his ego-protecting characters (apparently, the marketing team for Sweeney Todd felt that conducting junket appearances as singing, enormously beschlonged barber Adolfo Pirelli wasn't the way to go for their film), Cohen confirmed that he has no choice but to kill off both Ali G and Borat, the alter-egos he used to torment scores of clueless politicians, intolerant frat boys and litigious driving instructors. Laments Cohen about the old friends he now must sacrifice upon the altar of success:

Things may not have ended well between America's Current Sweetheart Reese Witherspoon and her caddish, underemployed ex-husband, Ryan Phillippe, but the couple appears to be moving on: Reese is reportedly in fake-love with Jake Gyllenhaal, and the divorce proceedings appear to be humming along smoothly: