Sheila Weller's dishy new tell-all book The News Sorority: Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric, Christiane Amanpour—and the (Ongoing, Imperfect, Complicated) Triumph of Women in TV News won't hit shelves for a full month, but its best anecdote just exploded onto the web like 5-7 ml of semen into the mouth of Diane Sawyer, allegedly ushered there by her own enthusiastic efforts, at least according to Katie Couric (also allegedly).

Matt Lauer needs fresh blood to spread on his bread and so it was announced Thursday that Carson Daly, a dreamy-eyed father of two with heady, rich blood, deep crimson like the stigma of a saffron crocus, will be joining the Today show, as a permanent feature, beginning Monday, September 16. The program will also unveil its new open floor plan set on the same day.

Paula Deen finally sat down on Wednesday for a much anticipated Today interview, after abruptly backing out of a scheduled appearance last week. The result: A lot of tears, one racist punchline, and way too many emotions for 7:30 a.m.

Over the weekend, Americans were shocked to discover that one of the women they trust to deliver their morning news has, for time unknown, been delivering something else, in secret: poops, to a toilet in a far flung part of her office where she thought no one would catch her.

The thing about Kathie Lee Gifford doing “something nice” for you is that it’s the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you. It’s like a person with bright red paint on their shoes breaking in through a plate glass window to sweep your kitchen floor. It’s like a monster truck giving you a surprise haircut while you sleep.

It's no secret that right now, Today is in a tailspin. Once viewed as a cup of Earl Grey in TV form, the show hast lately earned a reputation as a scalding cauldron of poison. The New York Times reports that ratings have dropped about 20 percent since the show took Ann Curry out behind a shed and shot her last June. Unholy god Matt Lauer has become so unpopular—almost overnight—that NBC is reportedly considering replacing him with Anderson Cooper before his rumored $25 million contract expires in 2014. (According to Deadline, Lauer got wind of NBC's plans and phoned Cooper personally to tell him he disapproved of the network's decision, because he is a divabitch.)

Via a woman named Laverna from Twin Falls, Idaho. [Sic]'d:

Good Morning America anchor Robin Roberts goes on vacation next week and ABC/Disney has decided to trot out former Today Show queen Katie Couric to fill her slot. With all the rumored upheaval and turmoil at NBC's once untouchable morning program, some sources say this is a diabolical decision by an executive Disney goon squad done to further taunt Today and its flat ratings. The more reasonable assumption is that ABC/Disney will get a good sense of if Couric still has enough bubble-headed charisma to connect with morning audiences since her own talk show is set to premiere on ABC in September. A little early for pre-buzz, though, right?