You know how money, and by extension the oppressive global system of debt and credit that lives within its rotting husk, is just, like the worst? It's going to get marginally worse. Reuters' Felix Salmon flags the above shot of an ATM charging either $3 or 3% of the total withdrawal.

In the mood for some class rage? (Of course you are.) Gothamist points us to message board on uptight parenting forum UrbanBaby asking, "What's your hhi [household income] and do you FEEL poor, middle class, upper middle class or rich where you live. No judging."

President Obama set another horrifying legal precedent today, by messing around with that most important of statutory laws: The 2005 Presidential $1 Coin Act, which "requires the U.S. Mint issue new presidential $1 Coins with the likeness of every deceased president." The White House announced today that the U.S. Mint would no longer make these coins for general use, since it's a silly vanity project that no one cares about.

Three asset managers from Bell Asset Managment in Greenwich, Connecticut have won the $254 million Powerball Jackpot.

The "Occupy" protests active in 18 U.S. cities polled by the Associated Press have cost local municipalities $13 million over the last two months, according to the wire service.

Last week, auction house Christie's sold the above photo by Andreas Gursky for $4.3 million, setting the record for all-time most expensive photo (the previous record was set by Cindy Sherman's "Untitled #96," which sold for $3.89 million).

The economy grew at 2.5% last quarter, up from 1.3% the quarter before, according to newly released data from the Commerce Department. That's just enough growth to keep from plunging more people into the ranks of the unemployed, but nowhere near enough to start digging us out of the hole we're in.

Are you poor and homeless and starving and sick of trying to fix things through the usual channels, which are all broken? Fear not! There may be a secret remedy that you haven't considered: President Obama's personal checkbook. Because he'll occasionally send personal checks to struggling people who write him with their horror stories. Just make sure to include all the gritty details.

Be sure to send a congratulatory greeting card and $5 to your friend Bank of America, which has just posted third-quarter profits higher than last year's. About $6.23 billion! Not a bad showing. However, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. has surpassed them in assets, so those upcoming debit card fees are still necessary if you want Bank of America to stay in business and keep producing jobs.

Today we found out that the Occupy Wall Street movement has so far raised hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's a lotta scratch! What should they do with all that? One commenter knows.

As the fate of longest-running sitcom ever (and greatest show ever) The Simpsons hangs in the balance because of money disputes between cast and production, one actor, Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, et al) has reached out to the public to explain the situation.

Not to be outdone by Bank of America's rank avarice, Citibank announced today that it's raising monthly fees for checking accounts—doubling them, in fact, for its mid-level option—and bumping up the minimum balances. They're basically looking at their customers, identifying the ones who have the least amount of money, and charging them more.

For the first time in two years, Americans' income fell last month. The drop was a meager .1%, but it was accompanied by a .2% increase in spending, which means your costs went up by twice the amount your pay was cut. But don't worry, because analysts estimate that corporate earnings of the S&P 500 companies will increase by 13% this quarter, so maybe you can borrow some from them? Just blue-skying here.

Rep. John Fleming, a Louisiana Republican who owns a string of Subway and UPS franchises, was on MSNBC this morning to explain how earning $6.3 million a year—which he did in 2010—isn't all it's cracked up to be and to tell Barack Obama to lay off the class warfare. For instance: $200,000 of that goes to food. Being "rich" doesn't sound so great now, does it?

It's now time for a story that restores your faith in mankind, even if it means going all the way to Japan to find it: In the five months since that country's devastating quake and tsunami, almost $78 million in cash has been found amongst the wreckage and turned in.

In case you weren't sure, old guys proudly purchasing young girlfriends for many thousands of dollars with the help of the internet is a totally mainstream phenomenon, now. A Manhattan "mixer" for SeekingArrangement.com (ticket price: $80 for daddies, $40 for babies) drew 400 people on Monday night, the New York Post reports:

When you woke up this morning, did everything seem a little less... reliable? It did, didn't it? That's because credit ratings agency Standard & Poor's no longer regards the U.S. as a risk-free borrower, despite a $2 trillion error in its initial accounting.

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal just couldn't stand being the 26th richest man in the world while Dubai had the world's tallest penis tower, the Burj Khalifa, which was renamed after a measly president, Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE. So, in honor of his manhood, the prince is building a bigger tower.

Dunkin Donuts may finally have found the edge it needs to cripple Starbucks and Krispy Kreme: Prostitutes. And also ATM hacking. Just the thing to pump up that stock!

Why do we even bother with our stupid old "democratically-elected government," anyway? Let's replace it with Apple, Inc., which not only has a better design aesthetic but right now has more money than the U.S. Government: