Break out the hobo cake, Americans: the official unemployment rate has fallen to a mere 8.8%. Two hundred and sixteen thousand more of you have jobs now! The down side: you're still paupers.

Just after pervy CEO Dov Charney sunk $2 million of his own money into the company, camel toe purveyor American Apparel has released its latest financial report. And it's bad. Very, very bad.

Ceaseless couponing behemoth Groupon has provoked serious grumbling lately as businesses wake up to the fact that these deals may not be in their best interests. Today: business owners who've used Groupon speak!

Warren Buffett is one of the world's richest men, and incontrovertibly the world's folksiest mega-billionaire. He's also old. Shares in his company, Berkshire Hathaway, cost more than $120K apiece. So the question of who succeeds Buffett is, you know, big.

How are the elected officials that you voted into office helping you, the average American, this week? By terminating the $30 billion Home Affordable Modification Program, which could have kept you from being foreclosed upon.

When he's not fending off sexual harassment lawsuits from sexting former employees, American Apparel boss Dov Charney is doubling down his bet on his own failing company. Yesterday Charney spent $2 million buying AA shares to increase his stake in the company to 54%. Despite the fact that AA's future as "a going concern" is still in question.

Last week, we noted the growing backlash against the mighty Groupon by businesses (and employees) who are starting to think that Groupon's offerings aren't so great. More plainly: some believe Groupon and its clones should all be destroyed.

A new study from the Federal Reserve proves that everything Republicans have been saying is true: in the hard times of this recession, the rich are getting it the very worst.

You may be aware that the banking industry is currently engaged in a furious lobbying campaign to avoid the frightening prospect of being forced to lower the fees it charges retailers every time you use your debit card to buy something. It would just put "unfair profits" into the pockets of retailers, while forcing banks to raise the fees they charge you, the consumer, for every last thing! (According to the banking industry.)

Funny thing, about America: we think things should be pretty equal, money-wise. We're not so into huge gaps between rich and poor. But when we learn massive inequality exists, what do we do? Nothing! We're also selfish, in America.

Liberal gay and very likely socialist New York City is much like a petri dish in which liberals enact their anti-American policies unimpeded, as the rest of American looks on in horrified fascination. The city's latest far-left experiment: giving money directly to poor people so they can run out and buy Cadillacs and crack cocaine, courtesy of hardworking taxpayers. What do the cold, hard statistics say about the failings of this welfare society run amok?

Good news, recession-weary Americans: bonuses for corporate CEOs "bounced back last year at a speedy clip." They rose more than 30% last year! Doesn't that fill you with joy? Doesn't that give you a sense of triumph and patriotism? Doesn't that make you want to run up to the next corporate CEO you see with a baseball bat in your hands and give him that bat, as a reward for his good work?

In your lovely Friday media column: HuffPo dares its unpaid writers to do something, James O'Keefe is a hypocrite, a magazine investor has some magazines you can invest in, Bill O'Reilly is mad, and free NYTimes.com access, for you.

America is full of dumb people. We all need education, and lots of it. The problem is, getting involved in education in America in any capacity is a one-way ticket to poverty. Must we always remain dumb, forever?

Nothing loves disaster more than gold prices. Thanks to the unspeakable devastation in Japan, gold prices rose once again today, and investors have high hopes that they'll just keep on rising for the foreseeable future.

Fidelity Investments knows lots of millionaires, so they were like, "Let's survey them and see how horrible they are." The millionaires came through in a major way. Fidelity's PR team thanks you, you greedy bastards!

The Sahara Hotel and Casino, one of the anchors of old Las Vegas, where Sinatra sang and the Rat Pack played, is closing, due to money problems. It's been around since 1952. It's seen the entire rise and fall of the Las Vegas legend unfold, and its loss will be, in many ways, a sad sign of a once-great desert oasis kingdom returning, slowly, to the very sands from which it came.

God. The worst part about global warming is what it does to prices at your local yuppie coffee shop. Coffee yields are way down in drought-stricken Colombia. Sucks for us! Arabica coffee prices are at a 34-year high. Sucks for us! Global coffee prices are at a 14-year high. Sucks for us!

Here in recession recovery-plagued America, we're so discombobulated we don't know up from down or right from wrong. Are we hypocrites? Schizophrenics? Or just victims of Stockholm Syndrome? On the one hand, we have no faith in our government:

"Bureaucrats want to take away your debit card!" Seems unlikely. But that's the best slogan the banking industry could come up with to try to enrage consumers about a proposal to cut the fees that banks can charge to retailers when you use your debit card to buy something.