Onion story comes to life: fat girl edition.

Nick Snider was charged with "offering sexual favors to Arkansas cops" after being arrested on a drunk-and-disorderly call, allegedly saying, "I'll suck your dick and balls if you let me go." Deliverance was in Georgia, Nick. PS, nice shirt. [TheSmokingGun.com]

Remember the banker that got busted for looking at racy photos on his computer because one of his colleagues was being interviewed on TV at the time? The woman he was looking at pictures of—Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr—has now stepped in and offered to sign a petition to help him try and save his job. [Herald Sun/NYP, previously]

"Just in time for Fashion Week, a top male model is facing criminal charges after allegedly offering sexual favors to Arkansas cops in return for his release following an arrest for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct." [TSG]

John and Elizabeth Edwards. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Brad and Angelina. Jon Gosselin and about half a dozen women in their 20s. In this day and age when the news is filled with stories and rumors about failed relationships, it's always heartwarming to come across a couple that shares a love that only grows stronger with each passing day, even if they happen to find themselves in the harsh glare of the spotlight from time to time. Thank you, Olivia Palermo and deutsche-über-model Johannes Huebl, for reminding us that love really does conquer all (or, you know, "die liebe besiegt alles"). [Elle]

A 24-year-old in a motel room in Texas used the internets and his squeaky voice to e-and-phone date men posing as model Bree Condon. Police found him with an iPhone and a small dog that were gifts from his suitors.

It's been quite a ride for Jesus Luz, the Brazilian model most famous for serving as Madonna's arm candy since the two met in Rio last December (and bonded over their shared enthusiasm for Kabbalah, apparently). A year ago Luz was making $500 a day as a model. These days—and like several other people better known for their connections/last names, not their musical abilities)—Luz collects a tidy sum to spin at clubs around town, and his modeling career has been given a big boost as well:

The mysterious enigma that is Jesus (Luz), Madonna's 22 year-old Brazilian model/DJ boyfriend, got the Sunday Styles profile treatment this weekend. It is, in a word: hysterical.

In August, artistic nudie model Kathleen Neill was arrested for stripping nude in the Metropolitan Museum, posing for artistic nudie photog Zach Hyman. But now the DA's dropped the case against her—because, guess what, nudity's legal! Lalalalala! Everybody naked!

Sexxxy wealthy foot model Christina Ambers marrying a doorman at her fancy building: A heartwarming story of love overcoming class barriers. Finding out Ambers previously dated another doorman: What a low-class slut. Tabloid law: Unbreakable. [NYDN]

Despite the fact she had a baby, like, five minutes ago (and she still has some baby weight to lose, or so she says), Heidi Klum took to the catwalk at the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show last night, which returned to New York after a four-year absence. "I have to say, I wasn't sure until the last minute if I was going to do it or not. I kind of left it open. And then I thought, 'What the heck. Why not?'" [AP, E!, WSJ]

A hot sexxxy foot model's hot feet got too hot for her fancy Upper East Side neighbors, once she married a hot doorman in her building, alleges the hottest new tabloid class war story to hit hot type!

[Model Ana Beatriz Barros concentrates really hard on spelling her texts correctly while being made up for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in New York today. Image via Getty]

People have been turning to drug dealing and donating blood to remain afloat amid the recession, so it's probably natural that some parents are trying to make ends meet by forcing their kids into acting and modeling in the hopes of turning them into mini-ATM machines.

Ever find yourself feeling a little depressed after leafing through the latest issue of Vogue? You're not the only one. According to new research, women with normal body-mass indexes demonstrated lower self-esteem after they were shown a series of photos of very thin models. The cure: Go look at a bunch of photos of very fat women and your self-esteem should be back where it was in no time. [NYT]

Would you pay $25,000 to sit in the front row at next month's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Because you could if you wanted to. And it's entirely possible the stars could align and and a little stray supermodel body glitter could fly off the runway and land in your lap, and that alone would be well worth $25K, wouldn't it? Thought so! [ALZ.org]

Inexplicably (but admirably) magnetic elderly author Salman Rushdie is now out on the town with another attractive younger lady: Min Lieskovsky. Who is she? We will tell you what we know, okay?

Trust Fund Boyfriends! Marshmallow Fantasies! Lecherous Photographers! We invade a Ford Models mixer to find out what exactly is bouncing around in those beautiful noggins.

Demi Moore won't respond to the British Prime Minister's wife. Victoria Beckham won't respond to questions about her tits. And Hugh Hefner doesn't respond well to his wife's infidelity. Oh, yes, it's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

Cops found murdered model Jasmine Fiore's abandoned car and say the blood covering the inside "like finger-painting" shows signs of a definite struggle. [AP]