People are into some crazy stuff, but John Gallagher, 19, was arrested for breaking into his old high school in Missouri, stealing boys' underwear from their lockers, and masturbating on them. He was charged with burglary and unlawfully entering a high school. Being stuck in the past and a general pervert aren't crimes yet, which is just sort of sad.

A student wearing a bullet-proof vest cut the throat of a dean at Kansas City's Metropolitan Community College-Penn Valley today, before a press conference where Missouri's governor was expected to speak only minutes later. The dean is still alive.

Here's a Missouri Ozarks news broadcast about a highway billboard reading "Voted for Obama? Embarrassed Yet?" paid for by a concerned citizen. He says that billboard discourse is "what makes America great". Yes, impassioned debate through billboards. America's dream.

Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt has taken down this web video attacking opponent Robin Carnahan on the "Controversial Ground Zero Mosque" with smoldering World Trade Center destruction imagery. This building in Lower Manhattan is Missouri's top campaign issue, of course.

Minnesota dingbat Michele Bachmann, who founded the House Tea Party Caucus last week, is already at odds with Tea Party members. She's campaigning for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt instead of the Tea Party/Joe the Plumber-backed Real American candidate. Traitor!

We all got a kick out of the arrest of the Missouri GOP ex-pol for roughing up a sex partner because she forgot the safeword: "Green balloons." The police report is out, and it looks like a straight-up, horrific rape.

Former Missouri Speaker of the House and opponent of "deviate sexual intercourse" Rod Jetton is facing felony charges for an S&M session gone horribly wrong, because a drunk lady never said "green balloons," allegedly.

As Alyssa Bustamante's cache of "Jackass stunt" videos resurface on YouTube, Missouri's penal system finds itself at its wits' end trying to accommodate a rare beast: the violent female juvenile offender.

Alyssa Bustamante's MySpace, Facebook, and YouTube profiles are eerie in that "teen who engages in self-injurious behavior and bullshits about being tough" way. Except, when she lists "killing people" as a hobby? Police say that part was true.