· Those sweethearts at TMZ.com are at it again, sending out some obnoxious punk with a video camera to get into Woody Harrelson's face until he retaliates, which provides them with yet more scummy scoops for their site. As Tabloid Baby blog points out, Time Warner is skating up an oil-slicked slope with this one.
· Let this be a warning to you: The only one who has a right to use Michael Douglas' image to whore out goods and services is Michael Douglas.
· Watching aspiring soap actors unsuccessfully try to tear each other's clothing off never gets old.
· You can now pre-order "Cobras in the Cockpit"—the totally unauthorized SoaP-inspired boardgame. It's no fun for the whole family!
· Save a tabloid editor the time and trouble of having to censor your underage, partying face from photos by wearing the black bar to the club.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Kiefer Sutherland lingering for an uncomfortably long time in the deli meats section of your local market.

When a GQ profile quoted Michael Douglas as taking a petty swipe at everyone's favorite globetrotting altruists Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ("I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean, how long is that going to last?" were his reported words), it instantly became the diss heard round the world. But the impressively bearded actor has gone on the record with Extra, claiming that the quote was entirely fabricated:

A little trash talking and competition between celebrity UN spokespersons is nothing new who could forget that regrettable 1976 gala podium hair-pulling incident between Shirley Temple Black and Audrey Hepburn? but when UN Messenger of Peace Michael Douglas recently took a swat at UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie, he took things a step too far, dragging her innocent assortment of adopted orphans and their proud new dad into the ugliness:

In Brazil to promote her new movie The Legend of Zorro, Catherine Zeta-Jones laid down the law when it comes to the daily barrage of lustful, pansexual mummy-fetishists beating a path directly for the contents of eternally youthful husband Michael Douglas' pants:

· With an eye towards cleaning up at next year's holiday box office, Fox signs Ben Stiller for A Night at the Museum, in which Stiller will star as a security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." Excuse us. Stiller will star as a twitchy, neurotic, and impotent-rage-prone security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." [Variety]
· Despite CBS's killer hurricane and NBC's live debate on The West Wing/two-hour L&O:SVU counterprogramming Hail Marys, America still preferred to watch the creepy, gay-seeming pharmacist contemplate date-raping Marcia Cross on Desperate Housewives. [THR]
· Michael Douglas mercifully chooses a role which will probably not require any further restorative plastic surgery, signing up to play "an eccentric and manic-depressive father who becomes obsessed with his belief that there's buried treasure in the San Fernando Valley" in the Alexander Payne-produced King of California. [Variety]
· Now that an Everybody Loves Raymond spinoff looks like a longshot, Brad Garrett realizes that he might need someone to find him a job, hires William Morris to hunt down the appropriate sitcom second-banana roles and CBS MOWs. [THR]
· It's William Morris Signing Day! Catherine Zeta-Jones returns to the welcoming arms of longtime WMA agent George Freeman, whom she jilted for CAA two years ago. [Variety]

Maybe it's the Don-Johnson-at-his-swaggering-best stubble, maybe it's the fresh coat of Just for Men's "Natural Ash Brown," or maybe it's the fact that only one of the "weeping wounds" on his face is bandaged, thereby deflecting all suspicion that he's very recently had some elective age-correction surgery with some canny facial asymmetry, but that Michael Douglas is looking awfully spry these days. In fact, he's so darn youthful we feel we must issue an apology for referring to Catherine Zeta-Jones as a "mummy war bride"—at least until his face starts to slacken again.

The Smoking Gun reports that Catherine Zeta Jones is threatening Clear Channel Worldwide with litigation after several of their websites posted the infamous pictures of her pregnant, topless, and smoking, alleging that some of the sites still have the pics up. It should probably be noted that despite Mrs. Jones' reminder that she and her "cabana boy" spouse Michael Douglas won their lawsuit against Hello! it wasn't on the basis of a privacy violation. They had an exclusive contract with another publication for publication of their wedding photos, and Hello! ruined the exclusivity aspect. UPDATE: from a reader: "There is a magazine (Spanish language called Vanidades) that has a whole spread on the infamous pregnant-smoking picture...April edition.
Catherine Zeta Jones [TSG]

· Michael Douglas' ex, Diandra, wasn't invited to the premier of hisand their son Cameron'snew movie, It Runs in the Family [Page Six]
· Former London Times editor, Harry Evans (a.k.a. Mr. Tina Brown) is being considered for knighthood. He became an American citizen in 1999. [NY Daily News]

Online Hollywood memorabilia retailer Starwares.com is selling Michael Douglas' boxers from the film Basic Instinct. The asking price? $595. "The elastic band has been stretched by age," the ad reads. "Not unlike its owner," quips the London Spy.
Michael Douglas' boxers [Starwares via Liz Smith]

· Perpetually annoying power couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are being sued by their Central Park West neighbors, Paul and Tizzy Bannister, for operating loud air conditioners that keep the Bannisters awake at all hours. [Ed. note"Tizzy Bannister" sounds like a home repair problem. As in, "I have a tizzy bannister and it needs to be fixed." Are we sure she exists?] [Page Six]
· Drugged out Brit pop star Robbie Williams to U2 frontman, Bono: "Bono, man, this fucking painting is incredible." Bono: "Robbie, that's the window." [Page Six]
· James Gandolfini is now demanding $1 million an episode plus a percentage of DVD sales and rebroadcast rights for The Sopranos, idefinitely postponing shooting for the show's fifth season. [NY Daily News]

· Michael Douglas' ex-wife Diandra on her ex's wedding picture fiasco with Hello!: "If you re going to do something as trashy and tacky as being in one of those magazines, you might as well donate it to a good cause." [Page Six]
· Ex-Post reporter Kyle Smith just sold a comedic novel to Harper Collins about the frazzled love life of a features editor at a very Post-like paper. [Page Six]
· Tina Brown says that if her talk show tanks, she can say "it was just a gas." [Page Six]
· Gore Vidal blasts the media's war coverage: "The media [have] never been more disgusting in my lifetime. Every lie out of Washingtonthey're out there doing war dances." [Page Six]
· David Gest and Liza Minelli celebrate one year of dysfunctional matrimony with 1,200 of their closest friends on March 16. [Liz Smith]
· 66 (Jean-Georges' new place) architect Richard Meier, when asked if he planned to autograph the walls: "Yes," [pointed toward a red sign near the ceiling] "My name is 'Exit.'" [NY Daily News]

· Leona Helmsley fires her flak, Howard Rubenstein. [Page Six]
· London's Daily Mail reports that Jude Law and Sadie Frost are expected to split any day now. [Page Six]
· Ben Elliot launches his new concierge service, Quintessentially, tomorrow night at Sotheby's. [Page Six]
· Heath Ledger and Naomi Watts are splitting. (Am I the only one that looked at that headline and thought, "Who the hell is 'Heath Naomis?'" [Page Six]
· Director Danny Boyle is having trouble shooting the sequel to Trainspotting because the actorsEwan McGregor, Robert Carlyle and Jonny Lee Millerlook too healthy. "I need them to look like they've burned themselves out, but they've all been using face cream and Vitamin E lotion." [Cindy Adams]
· Time's bi-annual fashion mag, Time Style & Design launches on the 10th at Gotham Hall. [Liz Smith]
· Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones appeared in court yesterday to seek redress for the Hello! photos that showed (among other things) Zeta-Jones stuffing her face with cake and waving a knife around. Senator John Kerry finds out that his grandparents were Jewish. [NY Daily News]
· Christopher Hitchens, gossip columnist: The Hitch says he thinks Bill Clinton was a CIA plant during their days at Oxford. He adds that they had a girlfriend in common"who's since become a very famous radical lesbian." AlsoJoe Lieberman's press secretary Jano Cabrera on John Kerry's revelation that he's Jewish: "Oy vey. All this talk about who is Jewish and who isn't is absolutely meshuga. That said, there's only one candidate in this race with a real lox box." [Reliable Source]

Vanity Fair's Nina Munk is following the AOL/TW saga in preparation for a book. If it's optioned for film, Munk's casting choices are as follows: "Peter Gallagher as Bob Pittman; Burt Reynolds as Ted Turner; Dustin Hoffman as Gerald Levin; James Earl Jones as Richard Parsons; and either Michael Douglas or Kiefer Sutherland (with his hair darkened, presumably) as Steve Case."
Eyeing media [IWantMedia]

· Harper Collins power publisher, Judith Regan, recruits Howard Stern to help her find a date and Eliot Spitzer is wearing Savile Row and Hermes on a government salary. [Page Six]
· Gwyneth's 70-person is entourage turned away in Cambridge and Charlie Rose learns to kiss by watching Al and Tipper Gore. [Liz Smith]
· Michael Douglas says what we've all been thinking: "I think I'm passé." [Cindy Adams]
· The singles scene is hopping at celebrity rehab. [NY Daily News]