Britney Spears, as you may have heard, took a relaxing ambulance ride to Cedars Sinai Hospital last night, where some nice people in white coats are currently busy trying to douse the flames of her latest attempt at self-immolation. (Meanwhile, some not-so-nice people will be deciding how much time should pass it's safe for her to have a playdate with the children she has a hard time raising even between breakdowns.) Above, a helpful AP video can quickly orient you on the story, then quickly return you to a disoriented state with images of crazed paparazzi chasing Spears on her journey to the hospital. Below, a round-up of various outlets' attempts at parsing her mental state:

Uptown's craziest scandal has reached a major meltdown point! Upper East Side dealer Lawrence Salander and his gallery Salander O'Reilly are getting sued every which way but loose by angry clients and dealers and lenders, and so a State Supreme Court judge has shut the shit-blizzard down entirely. We can guarantee one thing: A number of really rich people are gonna get shafted out of this, no matter how much court supervision takes place. Carol Cohen, the widow of the CEO of Madison Square Garden? She's never gonna see the $3.4 million worth of art she "stored" at the gallery that Salander allegedly started selling off behind her back. We cannot believe Salander didn't take off for some country without an extradition agreement with the U.S. (China maybe!) with a bunch of cash a few months ago while he still could. What an idiot!

Britney Spears' three-part comeback plan (Phase One: Stage a series of buzz-building, 12-minute concerts. Phase Two: Chew on hair extensions, neglect children. Phase Three: Personally arrange to sell triumphant comeback exclusive to celebrity glossy!) has hit a major snag, as an OK! magazine cover shoot reportedly devolved into a tragic display of anatomical self-discovery, public urination, and couture-sullying pooper-scooping. Laineygossip.com reports:

Of course, that was before the show actually aired, and Abdul's dreary, fame-hungry existence—filled in the Idol off-season with QVC appearances and pointless strategy meetings with a staff who respond with icy, death-stare detachment—was laid out for all the world to see. In the above clip, Paula reacts pretty much as one might expect as she learns that she has been forced out of the Bratz movie she proudly plugged in every interview this year. Dramatic? Perhaps, but where some might see a fourth-rate movie inspired by a line of slutty dolls, Abdul saw in the project a raison d'être outside the karaoke ghetto that has come to define her existence.