Now that everything else has failed for him, John McCain is crawling back to David Letterman to appear on the Late Show this Thursday, after weaseling out of an earlier appearance under the lie that he was needed in Washington to work on the Wall Street bailout. McCain's people are, well, stupid. If he'd appeared when he was supposed to, Letterman would have treated him to a gentle ribbing while the candidate tried to get his talking points out. Now that McCain has lied to the famously testy talk show host—and now that there are tons of new gaffes and missteps that simply didn't exist when he was originally supposed to appear—what can he expect? Slaughter. Letterman isn't some lovable funnyman. He practically invented the contemporary asshole while Seinfeld and Larry David were first working out their club routines. And when a guest pisses him off, he can turn serious and downright mean. Just last week, he was discussing the possibility of having McCain back on the program when he said, ""In an attempt to save his campaign, they're talking about coming back. So we said, sure, we'd love you to come back ... but they're being squirrely. Politicians can be squirrely. ... I just don't know if we can trust him." Previously, Letterman remarked, "This just in…a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." So if McCain actually does show up on Thursday (though there's no reason to believe he will; Joe Six-Pack Americans watch Leno, his staff may conclude) it's not likely to be a slightly awkward goof-down like we've seen McCain engage in on The Daily Show after he'd given up his last few beliefs to win the GOP nomination. With any luck, Letterman will simply demand over and over again that McCain explain himself, show him evidence of the fact that he totally lied, and belittle his non-role in that bailout plan that didn't work anyway. Hopefully, McCain will lose it in the face of repeated questioning by some mere celebrity that he publicly snubbed, unable to believe that Letterman won't just drop it and make with the funny already. And, hopefully, next Friday's news channels and papers will be full of John McCain—bitter, rigid, elitist, crybaby. [Washington Post]

Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker took to MySpace to let fans know how his recovery is going less than a month after he and DJ AM survived a plane crash that killed four—including his personal assistant Chris Baker, and security guard Charles "Che" Still—in South Carolina on Sept. 19. Barker, who was recently transferred from a Georgia hospital to an L.A. burn center says, among other things, that he's given up vegetarianism to aid in his recovery.

A roadside billboard sprung up in West Plains, Missouri, recently, featuring a caricature of Barack Obama wearing a turban along with the message "Barack 'Hussein' Obama equals more abortions, same sex marriages, taxes, gun regulations." While some members of that community are shocked and disgusted-the Obama campaign dismissed it as "a distraction"-other locals are of the opinion that if you don't like that sign you can drop dead. The billboard is after the jump. So is a video of McCain/Palin supporters at yet another rally in PA-one of them telling a really funny joke about sex assault victims who are forced to pay for their own rape kits. Starts at about 2:08.

Don't be lulled by the hypnotic cuteness of these photos of Anjana the chimpanzee and her baby white tiger friends Mitra and Shiva at The Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species in South Carolina. When the chimps start raising tigers, we're only a few years away from total world domination by our simian cousins. More pics after the jump. So you can, you know, study these deadly enemies of mankind. (Images from Barcroft Media)

Like the drug trade, booze, and motion pictures, prostitution can muster through any economy. Although New York City's ladies of the evening say that the $1000-an-hour sex workers that Eliot Spitzer favors are having a hard time of it, for the middle-range pros business is pretty much as good as ever. "The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less," said Dylan, 24, a promotional model-turned-Manhattan prostitute. "We're still busy. If men are horny, they're going to come in here." Dylan works for a madam who runs a pair of brothels just north of Wall Street, where the going rate is $260 an hour, $160 for half. The madam says that that's all the market will bear right now: "The $1,000-an-hour girls are just not making it." While the woman say their clients are still showing up, they're spending less time and money. "He used to spend at least an hour or two," Sienna says of a banker who's a regular. "Lately he's down to a half-hour, and he's no longer a big tipper." Just when the story couldn't get any drearier, two of the madam's newest recruits turned to selling sex after the shit economy drove them out of more mainstream work. "Shana, 42, lost her $45,000-a-year job as a secretary last year. Sienna [who's working on her graduate degree in English Lit] was laid off in July from her job as an executive assistant with a travel agency. Shana, who worked briefly as a waitress before hooking up with her current gig, is putting her son through college. 'He's trying to get an engineering degree,' she explained. 'With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college.'" [NYDN]

Click to viewTrading in bank shares could be suspended across the G7 nations tomorrow as the British government carries out plans to take a majority stake in the Royal Bank of Scotland and major holdings in another three of the country's largest banks.

Don't be a sucker. Those complicated, long-winded explanations of the worldwide financial crisis are just a lot of big city hokum. Fortunately, your good buddies Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris are here to set the record straight: It's a dark, shadowy conspiracy between the fat cats on Wall Street, the elitists in Washington, and the nefarious Red Chinese who are secretly stealing our oil off the Florida coast! Huffpo's Rachel Sklar learned the awful truth from Huckabee's new talk show on Fox last night. Huckabee's got a "friend" who tells him this whole mess is the result of "financial terrorism": "Just today, a friend of mine in the financial markets indicated that he's been doing a careful analysis of the last 12 days, and there seems to be a manipulation of the marketplace - at the last half-hour of each day, there is an extraordinary rush of computerized trading going on. He believes that there may, in fact, be evidence of economic terrorism that is fueling a lot of what's going on. Now it's a fascinating idea, that if somebody could break down the world economy, it would have a greater impact that any bomb ever set off. It seems to be there is plausible argument for it." But, Norris sagely points out, don't forget the Chinese! "Oh yeah, I think - oh definitely, Mike. The thing is, China has one and a half trillion dollars* of our debt. Now, what did we give China for collateral for that one and a half trillion dollars? So the thing is, you know, with our government - what did - what secret deal did they get, give China, said, 'Well, you know, ah, we won't tell the people but you can drill 50 miles off the Florida shore, and do a slant drilling into our oil in Florida,' you know - so a lot of things are going on underhandedly that we the people don't know, and that's why it's so important, Mike, that we the people get the power back. We need a voter revolution in our country." (audience applause) Also? When Congress took off for the Jewish Holidays, they were really Christmas shopping, and Barack Obama is big on infanticide. Read it here.

Can a publisher somewhere please grow a pair and not keep letting fundamentalist assholes who want to see the world revert to the good old days of the 13th Century run their houses? The Jewel of Medina, Sherry Jones' historical novel about the little girl wife of Muhammad that Random House dropped because it was afraid of offending crazy people, is now on shaky ground with its British publisher. When that publisher, Gibson Square, was firebombed a couple weeks ago, they said they were going forward with publication anyway. Now, not so much.

When Sarah Palin showed up at the Wachovia Center last night to drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers home opener against the NY Rangers, she was treated to such a chorus of boos that the PA system had to be turned up full blast. But you can still see the fans giving her a frantic thumbs-down in the background. In Palin's defense, Philly fans boo everyone and everything. They really are terrible people. Oh, and the Rangers kicked the Flyers' asses last night—not that hockey is even a real sport in America. Video after the jump.

What do you do when the world's economy is falling apart and God only knows when things will get better? Duh! You get together with your friends, pretend that you're six, and start building some sofa-and-blanket forts stat! Dig deep into your memories for the days when food and shelter was someone else's problem, and find some clips that hearken back to those warm and cozy—and lost—times. They don't have to be cartoons, but they do have to be from childhood. That's all. I'll start with my biggest childhood hero.

Here is Julia Alison eating brownies at her mom and dad's house in Chicago this afternoon. "God, they were good," she says. "Fudgey and moist and dense."

In other Elvis news, the Elvis that is Costello is, for some reason, going to make a guest appearance on Fall Out Boy's new album. Statement from band front-boy Pete Wentz, and a question from your humble editor, after the jump. Statement: "At some point everyone is gonna find out. So, I guess its time to let the cat is out of the bag. We didn't want to talk about this before we actually heard it because its a once in a lifetime experience. We've announced a couple of guests on the record but "I wish you luck with a capital F" is just one of the thousands of genius ideas thought up by Elvis Costello and he's gonna be singing on Folie a Deux. this isn't a typical appearance as he's alongside the guys in a couple of the decaydance bands on the song. Either way this has been an amazing experience for fall out boy as he is one of our heroes, especially so for patrick. We can't wait for you to have the chance to hear it." Question: Okay, I don't know much about current music. Nothing, actually. But I've been led to understand over the last few years that Fall Out Boy sucks. Is that not true? Have I been misinformed? It was funny when Costello popped up in Talladega Nights, but this? What shit is this? [AbsolutePunk]

An Alaska Superior Court judge sided yesterday with that Republican activist who sued Sarah Palin to force her to produce emails from private accounts like Yahoo, which she may have been using to conduct government business. Ooopsie! "Palin has occasionally used private e-mail accounts to conduct state business, and her Yahoo accounts were hacked last month. The hacking of Palin's private account was significant because it showed that using private e-mail accounts to conduct state business would be vulnerable to being exposed." "The judge ordered the attorney general to contact Yahoo and other private carriers to preserve any e-mails sent and received on those accounts. If the e-mails were destroyed when the accounts were deactivated, he directed state officials to have the companies attempt to resurrect the e-mails." Actual maverick Andree McLeod, who brought the suit against Palin, said, "We shouldn't be in a position where public records have been lost because the governor didn't do what every other state employee knows to do, which is to use an official, secure state e-mail account to conduct state business." [HuffPo] Yesterday was just not good for Palin, as it was also the day that an investigation by the Alaskan legislature concluded that she did in fact abuse her powers as Governor in the Troopergate scandal.

Ah high-speed photography. Destructive and gorgeous. WebUrbanist has a really cool exhibit of photos and accompanying essays which you should definitely check out. We have a modest sampling after the jump.

Okay, this is about a day late, but what the hell, it's still funny. On Thursday, Saturday Night Live aired a special 30-minute midweek episode. Why? I dunno. But the highlight was Thursday's version of Weekend Update, in which anchors Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers discuss AIG's gala executive retreat in another installment of "Really?!" Clip after the jump. Click to view

Hundreds of absentee voters from Rensselaer County, NY, were sent ballots offering them the exciting opportunity to cast their vote for Democratic candidate "Barack Osama." Election officials are saying it's an honest mistake. Except that the ballots in question were supposed to be proofread by at least six people. So, in other words, election fraud!

Elvis Presley's only known child, Lisa Marie Presley, gave birth to twin girls earlier this week. This isn't just any old celebrity baby news. It means that Elvis has finally been reincarnated. First of all, it's well-known that greatness skips a generation. Secondly, although Lisa Marie already has two kids from a previous marriage, those kids weren't twins. Why is that important? Do you even have to ask?

Come on, crazies, not the old mysterious white powder gag again. What is it about political psychopaths, abortion freaks, and Anthrax? They've got a fetish for the stuff. Get a new move, terrorists! "I'm told the Los Angeles Times mailroom opened a hand-scrawled letter today that read 'death to Obama' and contained a white powder that triggered a call to the FBI and a city hazardous materials team." "No one was injured and the powder proved to be harmless. My sources say the letter was addressed to staff writers Richard Serrano and Ralph Vartabedian and included a demand for a retraction to their story this week that detailed flying mishaps early in John McCain's Navy flying career. The nut mail was said to carry an upside-down stamp and language about saving babies in addition to the Barack Obama threat." [LA Observed]

Yesterday, Connecticut joined Massachusetts and California in declaring that consenting adults can marry each other—even if they're gay! The Connecticut Supreme Court struck down the state's civil union law and declared that same sex couples have a constitutional right to wed. Oh, and litigious, wing-nut "Family Values" groups take note: The ruling cannot be appealed, dicks! The new law goes into effect on October 28th—just in time for a wave of awesome gay and lesbian Halloween theme weddings!

Can anyone on McCain's side speak for more than a minute without royally screwing up? There's "my fellow prisoners," everything Sarah Palin says, and the generally increasing ugliness of the whole campaign. It's infectious. Yesterday American Spectator managing editor J.P. Freire went on MSNBC to explain away the "Terrorist!" and "Kill him!" chanters, and to accuse the Obama camp of pulling "the hate card." He then went on to admit that, "If McCain and the Republicans really did believe that it would help them to be raving racists, we'd be seeing a lot more of this." Then the bigger stumble: "Unfortunately, though, no one wants to be a racist." Yes, yes, we know he meant to say "Fortunately." Clip after the jump. Starts at about 2:01.