National Enquirer and Star publisher American Media has, for all practical purposes, gone bust. Although they left enough wiggle room to declare a successful non-bankruptcy!

Even football players get peed on from time to time. Also: Britney, Brandon Davis, and lesbian love!

Big city newspapers are always going into panic mode after receiving envelopes of white powder that turns out to be harmless. At the Caspar (Wyoming) Star-Tribune, it turned out to be cocaine:

It's weird, isn't it, that the Obamas are still on celebrity mag covers? On this week's Us, there's Michelle and the kids, next to a little sidebar with "fat" Jessica Simpson and lonely Jennifer Aniston.

Nobody's even talking about Super Bowl ads this year! We're here to remedy that, because what is our purpose if not to indoctrinate the public into the world of robotic overconsumption? Look, ad preview!

A tipster (unconfirmed) tells us that Michael Boodro, who was hired two years ago yesterday as editor of Martha Stewart Living, has been let go and replaced by Gael Towey.

Your stupid corporate cost-cutting tips are pouring in, like the free water you used to enjoy at the office. Today's cuts: food, water, light, computers, trash cans, and everything at Harper's Bazaar. And dignity:

In your dark Friday media column: Every print media company is cutting everything, hipster baby site Babble is clean, and nobody at Davos knows how to save newspapers:

The latest issue of The New Yorker runs 82 pages. What you see above is all—all—of the paid advertising. Is it time to get seriously concerned?

Today is important, because it is the day we get to show what may be, without exaggeration, the single most stupid internal memo ever sent to a newspaper staff. It concerns "productivity."

• A round of staff cuts at the Journal may come next week. [Portfolio]
• CBS and David Letterman are negotiating a new deal to keep him on the network after his contract expires in 2010. [B&C]
• Is The New Yorker in trouble? [Gawker]
• Gannett, the largest U.S. newspaper company, is writing off $5 billion. [E&P]
• Dreamworks and Pepsi have a 3D commercial airing during the Super Bowl on Sunday. You'll need special glasses to watch it, however. [Time]

Watching the cable news, one might get the impression that Republicans aren't a completely powerless minority party. They're still opinionating like it's 2004 out there!

Stock downgrades. Acquisitions that didn't pan out. Businesses leaking cash. Layoffs. And a whole lot of pessimism about the future. Is Rupert Murdoch losing his magic, wrinkly touch?

Here's what makes Rod Blagojevich such an evil genius: after being removed from office unanimously, he comes out onto his front porch and tells the media that he's a hero.

More layoffs in medialand: Page Six Magazine is now planning to go quarterly and 23 staffers have been laid off. Over at OK!, Kent Brownridge is out as general manager, and Sarah Ivens will take over as editor until a permanent replacement is found. [Gawker, Mediaweek]

Page Six Magazine, the glossy spinoff of the gossip column stuffed in your New York Post every weekend, is cutting back to just four issues a year. Because of money, yes.

Celebrity-friendly photo-heavy gossip rag OK! just can't find any stability in this cold world! Its latest editor has been fired, just months after taking over. (Updated below)

In your overstuffed Thursday media column: Obama cartoons have big lips, rumored (update: confirmed) layoffs at Incisive Media, John Dickerson's dramatic novel, and more!

New York's cover story this week takes a look at Caroline Kennedy's disastrous foray into politics, and provides some excellent insight into what derailed her quasi-campaign for governor. What may be more striking, though, is the cover of the magazine, which features a black and white photo of Caroline with a red tear that appears to have been hastily drawn on top of the picture. Seem a bit familiar? Indeed it does!

• ABC is reportedly thinking about giving Jimmy Kimmel the Nightline slot, putting him in competition with Conan when he takes over for Leno. [NYT]
• ABC News is cutting 35; Disney-ABC TV is dismissing 300. [TVN, THR]
• Congressional Quarterly is for sale. [WSJ]
• The Washington Post is dropping Book World as a Sunday section. [WP]
• AOL is laying off around 700 employees, or 10% of its work force. [WSJ]
• Ex-MTV prez Christina Norman will run Oprah's new TV network. [THR]