For the first time in his life, Donald Trump is a winner. How does he celebrate?

McDonald’s will soon be rolling out a new, “cleaner” version of its Chicken McNuggets. Ronald McDonald, please don’t monkey with the Dimethylpolysiloxane!

This story, from the Associated Press, has the odd and rare quality of being deeply disturbing and sad while also being, I dunno, weirdly uplifting? As a not-entirely-comfortable glimpse of humanity in the post- and anti-human world of international corporate sprawl? Whatever. It’s late.

Behind the wealthy and famous people who appear to control global socioeconomic forces, there’s a secretive power elite hiding in the shadows, pulling the strings, and eating free food at McDonald’s. Last night, actor Rob Lowe publicly revealed himself as one of them.

This thing is never, never going to leave your nightmares.

Faced with a shifting marketplace, McDonald’s has ventured into the burgeoning Siberian restaurant scene and attempted to rebrand itself as a “modern progressive burger company.” Shockingly, neither of these totally credible business strategies have managed to offset the existential threat posed by rival burger companies, like Five Guys and Shake Shack, who distinguish themselves by selling actual organic food in their restaurants.

McDonald’s, a protracted practical joke whose punchline is cardiovascular disease, is apparently still sore enough over Super Size Me that they’ve produced a documentary of their own to refute its depiction of their so-called “food.” Only this one—entitled 540 Meals—is being shown as educational material to school children around America. Dammit.

A video that spread online earlier this week, showing a teenage McDonald’s employee being pulled through a drive-thru window and into a car, seemed too crazy to be real. But the attack wasn’t staged, and charges have been filed against the woman who allegedly grabbed the worker, plus three others in the car with her.

Mustard-colored mustard merchant McDonald’s cares about kids, to the extent that kids can whine enough to convince their parents to take them to McDonald’s. McDonald’s: heroic, or most heroic?

Think back, if you dare, to when you were young. Can you recall the Hamburglar, a pudgy cartoon criminal who wore a striped shirt and whose only dream was to steal all of your McDonald’s hamburgers? Now? He’s got a 401k and a propensity for dressing like Justin Bieber.

After years of protests by its low-paid employees, McDonald's said today it "will pay at least $1 per hour more than the local legal minimum wage for employees at the roughly 1,500 restaurants it owns"—which does not include the 90% of McD's that are franchisee-owned. Still, it's something.

Wearing clothes is mostly good. Being yourself, also good. Our official position is: Wear what you like. Unless what you like is memecore thermals adorned with enhanced images of Big Macs and sold to you by the McDonald's corporation. McDonald's is going into fashion, and it's bad.

Police have arrested 16-year-old Aniah Ferguson in connection with a gruesome fight that broke out in a Brooklyn McDonald's Wednesday. In cell phone video that quickly made its way around Facebook, one teen can be seen being battered by a group as a crowd of bystanders scream.

McDonald's has decided to pay the artists participating in its SXSW showcase. No word on where they will find the money.

SXSW, Austin's annual sticky-floored music industry sport coat and jeans cocaine marathon, wherein bands willingly exhaust themselves playing garbage sets for little or no money, deriving sustenance from tacos and the hope of "exposure," features a McDonald's showcase this year. And, no doy, they aren't paying.

A Wisconsin woman says she was recently asked to leave a McDonald's over her choice of company, even though her companion had done nothing wrong. Nothing, that is, besides being a baby kangaroo.

McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

Let us all bow our heads and say a prayer for Don Thompson, fired this week as CEO of McDonald's merely because he was bad at his job, and his company is bad, and performing badly.

This morning, a group of McDonald's workers in Virginia filed a lawsuit against the company, accusing it of ignoring "rampant racial and sexual harassment" happening in its stores. Ugly details below.

Ah, Switzerland, the land of chocolate, cuckoo clocks and, if you ask nicely, Big Macs served with a healthy helping of cunnilingus.