As if life wasn't challenging enough with the looming threat of grinding poverty, no Gossip Girl until January, and Kate Winslet starring in two holiday movies, now women everywhere are faced with the mother of all conundrums: Get an "edgy pixie haircut," thus obeying the laws of style but repelling all male attention, or ignore the trend and consign yourself to fashion loserdom while remaining a sex object? Short hair, you see, is "like sending a nonverbal message that you're not interested in sex," counsels "dating guru" Matt Titus, author of Why Hasn't He Called? Wow, knowing that, it's all the more admirable how Winona Ryder has still managed to sleep with every single indie musician in North America and a few in Europe.

"Joe Mode is seeking single gay professional males 25 - 50 years old to be participants at a tv show taping of the new Lifetime show, MATT TITUS- MATCHMAKER. If you are interested please send an email to wayoutworld@yahoo.com to confirm. You will be attending a mixer where Matt will be talking with an interview prospect dates for his client on this episode. Just show up by 7pm at the Stitch lounge. There will be hors d'oevours served." (Really, can no one spell hors d'oeuvres any more?) [Sponge Cell]