After a new survey of superdelegates, the Associated Press declared the inevitable Monday evening, naming Hillary Clinton the presumptive Democratic nominee. According to Gawker’s own survey of hypothetical genetic clones of Martin O’Malley, however, the former Maryland Governor will easily win the nomination should all party officials die and be replaced by said clones.

A contingent of New Hampshire voters on Tuesday simply could not contain their enthusiasm for Martin O’Malley—despite the fact that he is not actually running for president anymore.

With 3% of New Hampshire precincts reporting, boot-as-hat wearing crazy sorcerer man Vermin Supreme has 0.2% of the Democratic vote. Martin O’Malley, who ran a modern political campaign, currently has 0.3%.

Tonight, voters in Iowa, the birthplace of democracy, are participating in something called a “caucus,” which, according to the New York Times on Snapchat, has something to do with popcorn. We will be updating this post with Democratic results and bad tweets as they come.

In the past politics has been called a game of chess, a dirty game, a blood sport. This year, we’ve decided to throw it all out the window; right now, presidential politics in the U.S. look a whole lot more like a giant, boring math equation.

The Communist Party of the U.S.A. is holding a debate tonight, pitting new nemeses Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders against one another as handsome man Martin O’Malley just sort of stands there and watches. We’re “liveblogging” the whole painful thing with our friends at Jezebel right here so you don’t have to watch.

Martin O’Malley: probably not the next American president. Politico reports that one (1.00) human individual person attended his campaign “event” in Iowa yesterday, and that person isn’t even onboard.

Martin O’Malley is now campaigning to be Democrats’ “second choice” for president, which isn’t a thing. But the former governor of Maryland announced his futile goal today in a meeting with House Dems, who have mostly all said they support Hillary Clinton, in an apparent attempt to remind them that he still exists.

Martin O’Malley’s campaign is “perilously close to financial collapse,” the Washington Post reports, amidst reports the candidate will be hitchhiking to Iowa, financially speaking.

Yesterday, newbie Democratic presidential candidate and former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley announced a plan to end student debt—and said that he had personally taken out $339,200 in student loans for his two daughters. Uhhh, what?

Outgoing Maryland governor Martin O'Malley has commuted the death sentences of the state's last four death row inmates. One more crack in the wall.

Yesterday, Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley gave his State of the State speech. Things were going well... until the governor paid accidental tribute to Anchorman and read the subhead "conclusion" from the teleprompter.

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley is already campaigning for the 2016 presidential election. Earlier today, O'Malley gave a 20-minute speech at Iowa Senator Tom Harkin's annual steak fry in Indianola. A steak fry is, apparently, an event where steak is fried and politicians give speeches.

You know that Volkswagen you're driving? Hitler founded the company. You know that Hugo Boss suit you're wearing? His ads once touted, "Supplier for Nazi uniforms since 1924." Nazi stuff! Right under our noses! A new piece of legislation — from Maryland, of all places — would make sweeping that information under the carpet a crime.