Two of the most overly dramatic—and annoying—people on TV are celebrating birthdays today: CNBC's Jim Cramer is turning 55; Glenn Beck of Fox News turns 45. Good Morning America's new anchor, George Stephanopoulos, is 49. Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney, is 59. Former Mets outfielder and failed financial guru Lenny Dykstra is 47. Actress Laura Dern is turning 43. Director Alexander Payne (Election, Sideways) is 49. R&B singer Roberta Flack is 73. Actress Elizabeth Banks is turning 36. Tween star Emma Roberts is turning 19. Robert Wagner is 80. Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz is turning 60. Golfer Greg Norman is 55. And NYC restaurant legend Elaine Kaufman turns 81 today.

Jim Cramer has a reason to be even more manic today: It's his 54th birthday. Recent Fox News arrival Glenn Beck is 44. Disney CEO Bob Iger is turning 58. This Week's George Stephanopoulos is 48. So is Alexander Payne, the filmmaker behind Election and Sideways. Restaurateur Elaine Kaufman is 80. Musical legend Roberta Flack is 72. Laura Dern turns 42. Actress Elizabeth Banks is 35. Robert Wagner is 79. Tween star Emma Roberts is turning 18. And swimming legend Mark Spitz is celebrating his 59th birthday today.

Oh joy: another 'homage' cover from a magazine industry that appears to be running as thin on new ideas as it is ad pages! We will be sure to save this one in the hyperbaric chamber in which Gawker Media stores valuable artifacts of the dying days of print media alongside last month's Esquire's Stephen Colbert cover homage to Esquire's 1968 Mohammad Ali cover and that New York Marilyn Monroe homage cover featuring Lindsay Lohan and Esquire's homage to that disturbing (if your mom ever told you shaving your face would make you grow hair there anyway) 1965 Virna Lisi cover featuring Jessica Simpson and also Esquire's February homage cover ripping off that 1967 Angie (yes that one!) Dickinson photo to which they already paid homage to back in 2003 when Britney Spears could sell magazines not named OK!…are we missing any? Most certainly!It's not as if mid-century was such a golden age for magazine circulations. Esquire got up around a million during its heyday, sure, and now it's probably about 25% off that, but Sports Illustrated is actually significantly more widely read than it was in the seventies. But editors back them were at least a little less the prisoners of cover-testing and circulation departments. So it's no wonder that their more conservative descendents hark back to an earlier era when every tired cover gimmick was still new—and when Mark Spitz somehow convinced the International Olympic Committee to give him his medals on gold chains (check the photo) and the world was cooler then.

It's pretty sweet to be a famous ex-athlete when the Olympics roll around: Apparently, it's when companies eagerly offer lucrative sponsorship deals to sports personalities, even if they're long retired. Mark Spitz, for example, is making seven figures this year from endorsing Botox; manufacturers Allergan think that the 58-year-old will appeal to their target demo. Also, if a presumably health-conscious former swimmer is willing to inject his face with deadly poison, it must be OK!