A San Franciscan unintentionally witnessed a sort of in-car tune up; a j-schooler scheduled a sit-down with a reputed mobster and a lady in fur left a bathroom in terrible shape. The Twitterati were traumatized.

Welcome to Lazy News, the new Valleywag feature that saves you the time of actually reading news articles. The first article we'll slice-and-dice is the San Francisco Chronicle's business feature from Sunday.