With Lindsay Lohan safely chained to a solid-gold radiator at Promises Malibu and the orderlies assigned to her care instructed never to spike her delicious wheatgrass-and-ipecac detox smoothies with Bacardi, no matter how extravagant the bribe offered, all Lohan coverage for the next 28 or so days will probably be limited to recaps of the events leading up to this weekend's spectacular flameout or forward-looking attempts to discern What It All Means for Other Substance-Abusing Starlets Who'd Kill For This Kind of Media Attention, Even If They Have To Drunkenly Mow Down A Valet at Hyde To Get It.