Though your modern media is faced with the demands of covering wars, terrorism, a presidential election, and Pokemon, please trust that we, the hardworking American journalists, will never fail to inform you about the latest trends in hot teen bra usage—or lack thereof.
Tony Panzino was losing his panties, and he wanted to know why.
A new week, a new bizarre story about Michelle Obama on the Drudge Report: "PAPER: Michelle Obama's shopping spree at luxury lingerie shop boosts sales..." The paper in question is the Sunday Telegraph, which declares that the first lady "has risked the wrath of cash-strapped Americans by indulging in a $50,000 shopping spree at Agent Provocateur." Is that, like, a million bras? Or what?
[Singer Cher removes her coat as she arrives for the British premiere of her new movie, Burlesque. Photo via AP.]
Boobs! Cars! Explosions! Knife play! Freed from the shackles of overbearing mass-market necessities like "plot," Bay indulges the very poetry of his soul in this ad for expensive panties. Watch it, then read an exclusive transcript of his internal monologue.
Larry Birkhead, ex-boyfriend of the late Anna Nicole Smith and father of their daughter Dannielynn, is ensuring that the girl grows up with a link to her mother-in the form of sexy underwear. "[Birkhead] spent nearly $3,000 at a celebrity auction Saturday scooping up lingerie once worn in a Playboy shoot by the late playmate. Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his 1-year-old daughter, Dannielynn, has something to remember her mother by. 'I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about,' Birkhead told The Associated Press. 'Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career.'"
Greenpoint's landmarked Astral apartment building looks great from the outside, but on the inside it's a bedbug-ridden toxic mold trap with actual mushrooms growing out of the waterlogged walls. Why is it so ill-maintained? Well, according to blogger Eefers, who just escaped the decrepit building, "I look out my kitchen window into the building's 'courtyard' and see the super accompanying a young woman dressed in stilettos and a bathrobe to the "work" shed. He is carrying a camera... Apparently the super runs an amateur pornography photo business. Apparently he also does this during business hours, when he could be fixing my bathroom." At least he displays some standards of professionalism in his sideline business, though! "If you are interested in working with me Please send me a message i will try my best to get back to you soon as possible. I DONT TURN DOWN TFP IF YOU GOT A LOOK I CANT REFUSE. (But my Rates are Reasonable) Models Must Arrive on Time,with Clean Hair and Nails Done. Please put your cell phone on vibrate during the shoot ..."
Say there, Mr. Mike Figgis, Oscar-nominated director of Leaving Las Vegas, what have you been up to lately? What's that? You've directed a 30-minute advertisement for Agent Provocateur lingerie that features cocaine mademoiselle Kate Moss wandering a dark mansion in her underwear? And while wandering and rolling around on a few beds, Kate intones a ludicrous voiceover so vague it could be used to sell lingerie, diamonds, cars, or investment securities? And much of the "film" is shot in infrared to give it that Paris Hilton sex tape je ne sais quoi? And — no, really? — it's designed mostly for viewing by downloading to mobile phones? You, Mike Figgis, are a testament to the omnivorous power of the modern auteur.
