Welcome to Defamer Attractions, a new feature previewing the latest, greatest and thoroughly misadventurous in weekend moviegoing. We'll be breaking the next three days into a few key categories, including a basic rundown of "What's New," flops-to-be in "The Big Loser," one worthy indie in "The Underdog," and, "For Shut-Ins," a quick look at highlights among new DVD's. Our opinions are our own, but they're impeccable and as close to exact science as Defamer gets. We hope you'll check in weekly!

Last night was a special one as NBC's Thursday night primetime players officially made their post-strike return, and we hope for Sarah Larson's sake that George Clooney wasn't watching. As many of you will recall, Jan and her implants made a nightmarish appearance on The Office, dousing Michael's condo with scented candles and every other kind of annoying "feminine touch" imaginable. And as a source tells OK!, Clooney's arm candy is guilty of the same behavior while George is sadly still promoting box office dud Leatherheads out of town:

At the after party for the London premiere of Leatherheads, Clooney made a bet with a couple of pals that he could probably get more numbers with one eye shut than they all could with both eyes open. The score at the end of the night? Clooney 12, Other Guys 3.

Of course we always enjoy seeing celebrities abandon their red carpet personas and let loose, but when they start emerging from nightclubs barely standing and sporting lipstick marks on their collarbone, we start to worry. After obediently posing for pictures at last night's premiere of Leatherheads in London, Renee Zellweger dove bob first into the party scene alongside a better-behaved George Clooney. And, as these pictures show, Zellweger may have downed one too many pricey cocktails across the pond.

Further accelerating his apparent collapse from coveted leading man to salt-and-pepper has-been, revised opening weekend figures for George Clooney's Leatherheads put the screwball gridiron comedy at a lackluster $12.6 million — a full million below Universal's original report and only enough for a third-place finish behind 21 and Nim's Island. While we maintain our original suspicion that no film can withstand a Reel Geezers pan, we don't actually think this portends the catastrophe foretold by more dedicated skeptics. We also appreciate Steven Zeitchik's moral support on Clooney's behalf at his Risky Biz blog: "Clooney hasn't opened a movie in a decade. Apart from the Ocean's pics — which the presence of Damon and Pitt render useless as evidence — no Clooney-anchored movie in recent memory has cracked $13 million in its first weekend of wide release. The Good German? Michael Clayton? Intolerable Cruelty? ... Box office just isn't his thing." Yessir, color us reassured. [Reuters]

By now you've heard that The New Yorker devoted 10 pages of its current issue to a profile on George Clooney. And that the piece includes an anecdote about an anonymous man leaving a message on Clooney's voicemail demanding that he break up with his 29-year-old girlfriend. (Well, someone had to say it.) It's an enjoyable read, if only for the revelation that Clooney dresses his salad "with something sprayable called Balsamic Breeze."

When our cultural faith is shaken to its very core by the passing of Charlton Heston and looming Short Circuit remakes, we know we can always find quiet comfort in the security of numbers. Box-office numbers, to be exact:

George Clooney's old-timey small town whistle-stop tour to promote Leatherheads made a stop at his home town of Maysville, Ky. yesterday (he's really from Augusta, Ky., pop. 2004). There he was mobbed by 3,000 fans, for many of whom this was the single most exciting event in their lives since corn-mulching went automated. Unfortunately, some confusion at the People.com editorial desk led to the site misidentifying the movie as "Leathernecks," a seemingly minor inaccuracy which could have led to mass confusion when thousands of moviegoers showed up to his period screwball comedy expecting yet another of Clooney's trademark probing dramas, this one about the 2008 Republican primary.

Hollywood narrowly averted A-list disgrace recently when it was revealed that George Clooney's aw-shucks humanitarian cred didn't quite extend to the extras from his new film, Leatherheads. In lieu of Universal's official launch March 31 at Grauman's Chinese Theater, the extras will stage their own red-carpet premiere in Greenville, S.C.. Reaction today is fierce along the Eastern seaboard, starting in Greenville itself, where one event organizer kept it real while Clooney's panicked flack urged calm:

Yes, it was a helluva game. And yes, the Manning bros' simultaneous smiles were near-cinematic, as were Plaxico's tears. But unlike the rest of America, we opposed conformity and muted the game, not the commercials. Why? Brand spankin' new movie trailer debuts! And no offense to unlikely hero Eli, but even your wildcard win can't usurp any heat from the likes of Iron Man's Robert Downey Jr. clad in jet-powered metal or Adam Sandler's Israeli accent as a combat soldier-turned-hair-stylist in You Don't Mess With The Zohan. All six trailers shown (and then promptly dissected) after the jump.