Hey, why all the layoffs this week? Please don't say "It's the economy, stupid." That's really annoying. Of course it is the economy, but this week has been bad even by the standards of the last three months. Because it has special qualities! Qualities that, unfortunately, conspired to screw thousands of people out of employment. After the jump, we'll have a little review of the most recent bad news, and explain why everybody got executed just after they finished their last Thanksgiving leftovers.

In lieu of next week's (we're guessing) inevitable headline "Everybody Everywhere Laid Off," we'll continue to bring the grim news piecemeal, as it terribly unfolds. Today it's art! The market for fancy paintings and stuff has been crap lately, as, really, the arts are always the first thing to go when everyone's broke. Sotheby's and Christie's, our premierest and poshest auction houses, both announced today that layoffs and salary cuts are imminent.

Newsday, the Long Island paper that was bought by Cablevision for $680 million earlier this year in one of the worst-timed (and most unpopular) media purchases in recent memory, is unsurprisingly being forced to lay people off. The paper is cutting 100 jobs, about 5% of its total workforce. Details of the cuts, in that inimitable corporate internal layoff memo style, below:

♦ Newsday is slashing 100 jobs. [Newsday]
♦ More on the cutbacks at CNBC and some cost-cutting measures at OK! [NYP]
♦ Bill O'Reilly is giving up his syndicated radio show. [NYDN]
♦ The New Yorker's Rick Hertzberg was ambushed by Bill O'Reilly operatives outside his apartment building. Confusion and hilarity ensues. [HuffPo]
♦ Oprah Winfrey was named the most powerful woman in entertainment as part of the Hollywood Reporter's "Power 100" issue. [THR]
♦ Neal Boulton, the attention-seeking former editor of Men's Fitness, is writing a book about life as a bisexual. [P6]
♦ Lauren Zalaznick says that NBC is not interesting in selling iVillage. [WWD]
♦ George Rush and Joanna Molloy are stepping down as daily gossips for the Daily News, but they'll stay on with the paper with a Sunday column. [NYDN]

IAC boss Barry Diller could not give a fluff about this "recession" you speak of! While pessimists like our own boss here are laying people off in anticipation of economic doom for media companies in the coming year, Diller is prescribing just the opposite strategy. Yesterday he slammed profitable companies for making layoffs and throwing workers out into an unforgiving environment, and said now is a great time to buy companies. He also railed against "indiscriminate spending." So does Diller measure up to his own expectations? Ehhh...

Yesterday's 500 layoffs at NBC Universal would have been a bigger story if not for the 850 layoffs at Viacom on the same day. CNBC—which is currently the go-to media outlet for the economic story of a generation—may have talked its way out of trouble (a bit). The Post says CNBC had 55 layouts yesterday, rather than the 80 that were predicted. And they've wisely shut down their most superfluous show:

People editor Larry Hackett sent out a memo late today indicating the celebrity magazine got rid of 18 editorial staff, per the goal it set in early November. The communique, reprinted after the jump, gave no indication of whether the voluntary buyouts the Time Inc. title sought had to be supplemented with involuntary firings. Nor did it specify which staffers were leaving, or which bureaus were most heavily affected. But then it was written by the same guy who let his magazine slide into the common tabloid muck it was once a cut above, only to rationalize and narrowly deny the whole scandal, so what do you expect, forthright, expansive honesty?

With so many layoffs going down today, it's a good time to take a look at how, exactly, a layoff memo should be written. Actually, any time you're critiquing a flood of layoff memos is by definition a bad time. But we'll disregard that for the moment. People need to be let down in the proper way, lest they get justifiably angry enough to put managers up against the wall. After the jump, we analyze five elements of today's memos that illustrate everything you corporate flacks need to know about firing people like us:

The 850 layoffs at Viacom today—including hundreds at MTV—are claiming the livelihoods of tons of hardworking people who did their jobs well without ever receiving fame and fortune. And just like when a jumbo jet crashes with hundreds of souls aboard, the first question is: "Were any celebrities involved?" You know you were thinking that, you heartless swine. Well (according to an unconfirmed rumor from an inside tipster), your third-favorite MTV correspondent-for-life, John Norris, was laid off today. After the jump, we've got other reports from the Viacom scene.

This morning, it was announced that NBC Universal is cutting 30 people from its sales team. But that is just the beginning. TVNewser says that NBCU has started a round of planning 500 layoffs which could continue through today and into next week. We'll be updating this post as more NBCU layoff news comes in [More info on NBC News cuts now added]. Here's what we know so far:

It's ugly out there today, isn't it? Viacom announced this morning that it plans to eliminate 850 positions, cuts that will take place "broadly" across the conglomerate's portfolio of media properties. NBC Universal followed up with the news it's slashing 1,350 positions. Credit Suisse revealed plans to pink-slip 5,300 people. DuPont said it would cut its payrolls by 2,500 people. And AT&T took the cake today with the announcement that some 12,000 employees will be on their own in the near future. If your boss asks to speak with you for "a moment" in the privacy of the conference room today, don't forget to bring tissues with you. [CNN, Dow Jones, WSJ]

The long-feared Viacom pre-post holiday layoffs are here, and they're not pretty. We heard earlier that as many as 300 layoffs might be coming at MTV today, but the total, Viacom-wide numbers are even worse: 850 people are being cut, about 7% of the company's global staff. And top management is "suspending salary increases" next year, if it makes you peons feel any better. The full internal memo that went out this morning is after the jump; if you know more about the specific breakdown of the layoffs, email us. UPDATES: additional memos from MTV and Paramount added below:

♦ Layoff announcements, grim unemployment data, and dismal retail sales figures should lead to another nasty trading session on Wall Street. [CNN]
♦ A group of managers and senior execs from Neuberger Berman won the auction to take over Lehman's money management business. [NYT]
♦ Credit Suisse is laying off 5,300 people. [Reuters]
♦ Citigroup's top execs like Vikram Pandit and Bob Rubin say they're willing to forgo annual bonuses. How generous of them! [FT]
♦ Thomas H. Lee may shut down two hedge funds it launched recently. [WSJ]
♦ Poor Steve Schwarzman is "knocking on more doors and pressing more flesh than ever" to get business done these days. [NYP]
♦ Fortress Investment Group is falling apart fast. [NYT]
♦ Carlyle Group LLC is cutting 10 percent of its staff. [WSJ]

• RealNetworks and Viacom subsidiary MTV closed down the entire New York office of their joint Rhapsody America online music venture, a tipster tells us, sending the roughly 25 staffers packing, albeit with severance. A lone Rhapsody staffer transferred to RealNetworks' New York office. The service will continue operating, via Real's west coast offices.

Chatter about big layoffs at Viacom and its MTV unit have been in the air for weeks, with firings at the latter recently expected Wednesday or Thursday of this week. Hell, the bloodletting may already have begun. But the latest gossip says the worst is yet to come: A gobsmacking 300 people coast to coast let go by the end of the week, one tipster claims. Higher level staff supposedly get their briefings Wednesday. It will be interesting to hear whether the company takes this opportunity to visit vengeance on the mistreated permalancers who embarrassed the company so badly last winter. We're ready to listen!

If you see a bunch of glum-looking tellers tomorrow at your local Washington Mutual branch, there's a good reason for that: JPMorgan announced this afternoon that it plans to slash 20 percent of the bank's work force, or 9,200 jobs, following its acquisition of the bank in September. [CNN]

The recession has an upside, right? As consumers cut back, austerity trend pieces told us chicken was supposed to supplant beef as what's for dinner. But Pilgrim's Pride, the large poultry producer, has gone bankrupt right after Thanksgiving.

"By the time the [Time Style & Design] issue hit newsstands in late November, reports suggested people were not buying much of anything, much less the $36,000 cellphone, $1,000 skin cream or Fendi Persian lamb jacket 'misted with gold particles' featured in the issue." [Times]

Time for the laid off to lawyer up. Today, Forbes reported that "white-collar workers laid off amid the financial crisis are using the 20-year-old plant-closing law" that requires employers to either give workers two-months notice of mass firings or pay up with two months worth of severance. With that in mind, after the jump, layoff tales involving grandparents, clerical errors and typos. (As usual, send your stories to tips@gawker.com.)
You Broke Grandma's Heart

Remember last Friday? Laid-off Weinstein company employees sure do. They had been asked on Wednesday to clean up their desks because a "special guest" was coming. Turns out it was HR to tell them they were fired. Surprise! We have more tales from the front lines of the inanity known as "work" (send your own stories to tips@gawker.com.) In this edition, a tale of being newly hired only to be fired, and another reason to hate Gmail chat.
"Evil Fucking" Insurance-Cheating "Bastard":