Texas tourist pied piper, the Naked Cowboy, had an unexpected guest today in Times Square. It was Larry the Cable guy, who also donned the Naked Cowboy's trademarked diaper (no really, he has that thing trademarked) to film an episode of his reality show. This is just the worst.

Comedian Larry the Cable Guy is selling his house! You see, Larry (née Dan Whitney) isn't actually a funny cable guy who lives in a mobile home. In reality, he is a wealthy entertainer with horrible taste. Want to see?

This is Daniel Whitney, the comedian presently known as Larry the Cable Guy, talking about his grandma with Alzheimer's. I think I preferred him before he dumbed down for conservative-redneck audiences.

Yesterday in Norwalk, Connecticut the contents of former Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione's massive former townhouse were auctioned off for charity. Not surprisingly, some of the items in the auction were, uh, different, which somehow caught some potential buyers by surprise.

Do you feel that? Those are George Carlin's acid tears falling from heaven. There are some mainstays on the millionaire funny-man list. But there is one depressing shocker. Can you guess who?

Paris Hilton turns 28 today. Basketball legend Michael Jordan turns 46. Rene Russo is 55. Denise Richards is turning 38. Director Michael Bay is 44. Jerry O'Connell is celebrating his 35th. Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong is 37. Record exec Jason Flom is turning 48. Literary agent Susan Golomb is 49. And Daniel Lawrence Whitney, better known as "Larry the Cable Guy," is 46.

When massive corporations decide to come up with a new slogan, they almost always end up with something short, trite, and massively expensive. Citigroup just unveiled its earth-shaking new slogan "Citi Never Sleeps," which is a reworking of its classic "The Citi Never Sleeps" tagline. But didn't they just spend $30 million last year launching a different slogan? Well yes, but that one didn't work out, because it sounded like it came straight from the mouth of bottom-rung redneck comedian Larry the Cable Guy. Derisive laughter is appropriate here:

Though we'd feared that the writers strike would make the Yuletide TV schedule a mirthless, depressing affair, new hope has arrived in the form of a joyous press release from our friends at VH1. Christmas will be saved—we're sure of it—by the appearance of a sleeveless-vested Santa Claus on our television sets, who'll fill us with the spirit of the season by devouring the snacks of beef jerky and frosty cans of Miller Hi-Life some rosy-necked tykes have left upon their mantelshelf, belching out a rendition of "O Holy Night," and then disappearing up the chimney as a bellowed "GIT R DONE" reverberates through the house: