Last night was the final installment of the continuously protracted Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion special. But this time it wasn't really about all the ladies. No, it was about our star. It was about Kim Richards.
If the Republican debates are the second greatest televised spectacle about matters that are only slightly abutting reality, then the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials are the first. Here is a ranking of how each woman fared in last night's fiasco.
Last night when fortifying myself for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, I realized it had a lot in common with that other great reality show of this year: the Republican Debates. Yes, there will be a million of them, everyone in attendance is ridiculous, nothing will get decided, and there will be a lot of yelling across the room.
As the mist clears on the glen, the great city of Brigadoon Hills once again disappears beyond the horizon to disappear for yet another interval. But before that can happen it left us with a wedding, the gift of true love, a wake, and the tearless grieving of a host of widows.
A long time ago, in a kingdom far far away, there lived a pretty princess named Kim. Princess Kim was the most beautiful rich and famous girl in the whole Magic Kindgom. But one day, a living mouse took away everything she had and left her completely ruined. Come, children. Listen to the sad, sad story of Princess Kim.
Oooooh snap, girlfriend honeychild, Taylor and Russell broke up. MMMhhhmmm. And now Russell is dead. And we had to watch it. It's just another night here on Paradise Island of the Beverly Hills Housewives, where everything is vacations and parties and too-small bikinis. Yes, no one has a care in the world.
Yesterday People told us that Kim Richards, reality television's Blanche Dubois, was out of rehab. The problem is they were wrong. Or were they?
There are those moments where your life changes in an instant and you don't see it coming: a mugging, an accident, the phone call that a family member has died. You were just having a wonderful day and then—slam—something snaps and all the gears come tumbling out of the watch in a comical and tragic disarray. That's sort of what happened to Taylor and Russell last night. The carousel finally stopped.
Last night Adrienne Maloof got her Bravo sponsored commercial for her Vegas property, The Palms, and Lisa Van der Pump got sweated on by a male stripper. If only what happened in Vegas stayed there, but it leaked all over our television screens.
And on that day, next to the ocean, the great god Aeolus opened up his great bag of winds and a clutter of hissing shrieks eeked out into the Malibu night. Yes, it was another Housewives fight on the shore, and it was mythical!
Backyards are a wonderful place to have a barbecue or a swing set or a charity fashion show and shoe line premiere party. You know, like any old Thursday afternoon in Beverly Hills. But it wouldn't be a Housewives fashion show without a stupid fight, would it?
Last night was a good old-fashioned Western in the rolling hills of Beverly. There were cowboys and showdowns and horses and homes on the range and even some wenches in fancy corsets. But when high noon came none of the little dogies could get along.
Last night we finally saw something. A glimmer, a spark of life, a bit of fire in the eyes of Miss Camille Grammer. Where did she come from, this fierce and dynamic creature, and where will she go next? We are captivated.
Because she is a complete idiot, Kyle Richards decided to have a seance last night. Doesn't she know that whenever there is a psychic around Real Housewives a black hole opens in the sky and destruction rains down on everyone? The same thing happened last night, but the terror was much more subtle.
Oh, hello there! I didn't see you come in. Yes, I was just standing here in the driveway with my camel. Yup, with my real life camel standing here in the driveway on any old Tuesday. This is just what happens in Beverly Hills on a Tuesday. That and really sad romances.
The ladies played nice for the most part tonight, and it looks like the major drama is next week. Adrienne and Lisa were the voices of reason, but the Q&A period that kicked the reunion off was interestingly revealing.
Well, that was dark, huh? In perhaps the most unresolved Housewives finale in memory, the ladies of the canyons all but tore each other to pieces, dredging up old secrets and long-held resentments and throwing them around like black confetti.
