The Observer writes a fawning piece today about former LA party girl turned newly-minted downtown queen Kirsten Dunst, touting the actress's low-key demeanor, her vintage slingbacks and Ray-Bans gestalt, and every other imagined quality that's bestowed, vainly by its residents, upon any "thoughtful" boho celebrity who moves to this city. New York makes celebrities relatable and funky and, most important of all, just like us!, the thinking seems to be. Except, sigh, it's all kind of pretend.

"Dunst frequents East Village mixology bar Death and Co., the Lit Lounge, and Bowery Electric, where Catherine Pierce of the girl group the Pierces spins on Monday nights; in May, Ms. Dunst celebrated her 26th birthday there. But most of the time, Ms. Dunst can be found at the Beatrice Inn, perched on the counter behind the DJ booth, smoking cigarettes and bopping her head around to her boyfriend's tunes." [NYO]

Jay-Z chatting on his phone while getting into a car outside his Tribeca building ... Ethan Hawke and Ryan Shawnhughes pushing their newborn, Clementine, through the Village ... Sheryl Crow playing with son Wyatt on a downtown sidewalk ... Mario Lopez hailing a cab in Chelsea ... Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky on the set of a Vogue photo shoot in the East Village ... Jessica Simpson shopping at Bergdorf Goodman ... Blake Lively and Leighton Meester shooting scenes for Gossip Girl in Brooklyn ... Keri Russell taking a stroll through SoHo ... Kirsten Dunst and Agyness Deyn at a concert at McCarren Park Pool ... Sam and Charlotte Ronson leaving the Bowery Hotel with Lindsay, Dina and Ali Lohan.

[Actress Kirsten Dunst at something called Jelly NYC at the McCarren park pool yesterday, current object of my bizarre fascination, MGMT, played; image via WENN]

As THR reported recently, MGM is planning a musical remake of the cult classic Valley Girl, which became the epitome of everything the magical land of acrylic nails and gum chewing addictions stood for in the early `80s. However, the remake is ruffling the feathers of many an industry insider, mainly because the brains behind this project are less interested in revisiting the infamous twang and mall headquarters associated with girls from the Valley, a group the film arguably captured better than any successor. Instead, the epic soundtrack will serve as the reincarnation's primary subject. But whether or not the idea tanks, we're just happy to have the chance to round up our five favorite on-screen Valley Girls to ever gag us with a spoon:

While out running errands in Manhattan, Kirsten Dunst received some shocking news over the phone. Namely, that the Dick star would not be able to get into an IMAX screening of The Dark Knight. Dunst's friend said that they could always watch the movie during the week and that'll be the same movie. Dunst huffed and puffed that it wouldn't be the same if they had to wait a few days to watch the film and the situation is beginning to feel a lot when Dunst went to get a new iPhone. Dunst said, "First, I can't get the iPhone until next week or whenever they get a shipment in and now I have to wait to see the new Batman movie? What else could go wrong in my life? I swear." Dunst then asked if her friend could check out Craigslist or eBay for tickets and price was not an issue.

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

Star Jones eating lunch outdoors at BLT Market .. Kirsten Dunst with coffee and a cigarette downtown ... Kanye West chatting on his cell in the West Village ... Rachel Bilson cooling off with a smoothie ... 50 Cent showing up to court in Islip, NY ... Aaron Eckhart coming back to his hotel after a sweaty afternoon jog ... Heidi Klum leaving her Village apartment building with zebra print luggage ... Richie Sambora showing up in Midtown with his daughter ... Meg Ryan taking a solo stroll through SoHo ... and Pink licking her arm during an outdoor lunch at Cipriani Downtown.

[Actress and person I strangely love Kirsten Dunst in SoHo yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Jennifer Aniston spends $20,000 per month on beauty treatments, supposedly, including twice-a-month, $1,000-a-pop spa treatments for cellulite. All to impress John Mayer, who kissed Perez Hilton? [Enquirer]

• The biggest loser in the Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman breakup? Howard Stern, who sounds despondent about the split. He was supposed to hang out with the couple on vacation last week, but they never showed, and when Howard later heard the news, he was so upset he had to take a walk to calm down. [Page Six]

1) After a Tuesday night Cinema Society screening of Transsiberian starring Kate Mara and Emily Mortimer at the Tribeca Grand, host Andrew Saffir, Ann Dexter-Jones, Annabelle Dexter-Jones, Eleanor Ylvisaker, Russell Simmons, and Becca Cason Thrash (who was "exhausted" after "buying from four collections" at the couture shows) went to hotel's Yard to drink themed cocktails and pose for pics. [Park Avenue Peerage/FWD]

At the afterparty for his latest film, Josh Hartnett managed to crack a slight smile as he saw Kirsten Dunst tucked away in a corner. Hartnett slowly lumbered across the room and over to an increasingly uncomfortable Dunst. Hartnett expressed his gratitude to Dunst for coming out to the party and in a very faint whisper said that it meant a lot to him. Dunst nodded as she looked for an escape from the conversation. Lucky for Dunst, her Elizabethtown co-star Susan Sarandon walked by at that exact moment. Dunst grabbed Sarandon by the shoulder and began to talk a mile a minute about what happened with the 2005 Cameron Crowe film.

Silly Kirsten Dunst. Temporarily living outside of her natural celeb-friendly West coast habitat where any late-night messiness is handily kept on the DL by celebrity-catering club warlords, the recently rehabbed star is currently staying in New York while filming All Good Things. And the many sightings sent in by helpful Manhattanites haven’t exactly painted Dunst as the soberific poster child perfected of late by Miss Lindsay Lohan. The NY Post chimes in today reporting that Dunst continued her boy-crazy habits of yore by making out with the DJ at the celeb-infested Beatrice Inn two nights ago. But a Defamer tipster had the pleasure of spotting Kirsten last night at the same bar, and rather than cozying up to the same DJ, the actress spent the entire night flirting, following, and eventually frisking another Beatrice regular: that talented thespian, Josh Hartnett. Details on what our tipster witnessed, and which Olsen twin watched the romance blossom from afar, after the jump.

Pierce Brosnan waving to fans on his way out of Da Silvano ... Agyness Deyn taking her puppies for a walk, iced coffee in hand ... Lourdes Leon checking out her manicure outside Madonna's Upper West Side apartment ... Kirsten Dunst carrying a stack of magazines and a cup of lemonade through SoHo ... John Mayer leaving his apartment downtown, en route to a gig on Long Island ... Carolyn Murphy, Gwyneth Paltrow and Elizabeth Hurley outside the Waverly Inn.

• Lenny Kravitz thinks the rumor about him having an affair with the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez originated with his conniving, now-fired manager. A furious Madonna, meanwhile, is trying to muzzle the same wife's lawyer for insinuating she had "an affair of the heart" with Alex.

• Billionaire mogul Bruce Wasserstein is leaving his youthful, second wife Claude for an even more youthful "Asian beauty," whom he has been introducing to friends as his girlfriend. According to the Daily News, this practice of old, white men stepping out with younger Asian chicks might just be a trend! [Rush & Molloy]

Kirsten Dunst and a friend walking through the Village after having lunch at Sant Ambroeus ... Alex Rodriguez getting in an SUV outside his Trump Park Avenue building ... Taylor Momsen and Penn Badgley taking a break from filming Gossip Girl ... Kelly Ripa leaving the gym, coffee cup in hand ... Jay-Z arriving at a dinner party in London ... A very pregnant Minnie Driver taking her dog for a walk in LA ... Rocco Ritchie, son of Madonna and Guy, wearing a Yankees jersey.

[Kirsten Dunst in the West Village yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Actors Ryan "Face Rub" Gosling and Kirsten "Fey Indifference" Dunst on the New York set of their new film "All Good Things" today; image via INF]