Theoretically, an incorrect hyperlink could point to any random place on the internet, from Sonic fan art forums to Fusion.com. In practice, however, they only link to porn, porn and slightly weirder porn, as was recently the case with an unusually saucy bottle of Heinz hot ketchup.

It seems that “Big Food” will never truly understand the desires of you, the regular American consumer, who just wants a tasty dang hot dog, is that too much to ask after a hard day?? A little flavor??

Among the "grievances" Lawrence Loeffler used to justify the murder of his wife Betty to police was her insistence on putting the ketchup bottle lid on "too tightly."

Traffic piled up outside of Reno, Nevada early Thursday afternoon after a tractor trailer carrying over 42,000 pounds of ketchup crashed, spilling the condiment across a highway. The accident occurred after the truck swerved to avoid a car, causing it to veer into a light pole and then into the underpass of a bridge, ripping open the cargo area. There were no injuries, though; just literally tons of ketchup.

The customer is always right — unless the customer is a person that wants to put ketchup on his Philly cheesesteak. Because, what the fuck? This is an indisputable fact backed up by sandwich artist Lawrence Ordone, pictured at left, who was fired from a Subway in Orange County, Fla. — side note: Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! — after refusing to put ketchup on a cheesesteak ordered by Luis Martinez, pictured at right. Then Ordone kicked over a chair and tried to fight him.

Since we live in the Golden Age of Artisanal Everything, it seems somehow fitting that Heinz Ketchup should get a white-person upgrade. Heinz Balsamic Ketchup will launch November 14th to zero fanfare, and be made available only through the brand's Facebook page.

The concerned swamp monsters over at Fox & Friends did a little profile in courage this morning, focusing on a young woman named Hannah Lucas who is saying NO to B. H. Obama's healthier school food initiatives.

The ever health-conscious French have placed ketchup on the guillotine and they aren't looking back. The beloved all-American condiment has been banned from school and college cafeterias throughout France, with one very crucial exception: when it accompanies French fries.

In July, a Brazilian hitman named Carlos Roberto de Jesus was paid a little over $500 by a jealous housewife to kill Iranildes Aguiar Araujo — another woman she suspected of having an affair with her husband. But Carlos broke Rule Number One of the Hitman's Handbook, the Daily Mail reports. He forgot to check his heart at the door.

Here's a video of the Heinz Automato ketchup-dispensing robot, which was built—we assume—for some sort of challenge. The goal? Dispense ketchup on six items in 30 seconds. How did the robot do? Uh... not so great. Watch inside.

This video is really helpful, but to what extent? If you're in a situation where you are making your own ketchup (or catsup if you must) shouldn't you reevaluate Dad's standing job offer at the dealership?