On May 20, a Kentucky grade schooler was eating lunch with her friends in the cafeteria when a school employee took away her hot lunch and dumped it in the trash in front of her. The teacher gave her a cheese sandwich to eat instead. Although the student didn’t know it, her lunch account had had a negative balance.

A man and woman were found dead in Glencoe, Kentucky last Thursday after they left a parked car running so they could stay warm while they had sex, WCPO reports. It was 40 degrees out in Glencoe that night. Sheriffs say the two were killed by carbon monoxide that seeped in through a small hole in the sedan’s rusted exhaust pipe.

UPDATE 2:45 p.m.: According to the San Antonio Express-News, Josh Lewis denies his boss’s version of events, saying the attacker stole his car with the pizzas in it and he did not complete his delivery. Our assessment of Lewis (who was stuck with “a huge dagger” in the line of duty) as a pizza hero stands.

Following Wisconsin's victory over the previously undefeated Kentucky Wildcats on Saturday, basketball fans took to the streets of Lexington to light shit on fire, chant anti-Wisconsin slogans and get arrested by police.

Two Louisville teenagers were killed this past Saturday after the car they were traveling in was hit by an oncoming train. Witnesses say the car ignored flashing warning signs and blaring alarms before speeding onto the tracks. The two passengers closest to the impact were pronounced dead at the scene; two others remain in critical condition.

The Lexington Dispatch regrets the error.

After surviving a deadly plane crash in Kentucky on Friday that killed her sister, cousin and both of her parents, a 7-year-old Illinois girl walked bloodied and barefoot for help, eventually finding it on the doorstep of an elderly stranger.

A Bullitt County, Ken. sheriff's deputy was responding to a car accident this past September when his body camera recorded county fire chief Julius Hatfield making a racist remark.

On Tuesday, police in Laurel County, Kentucky released this booking photo of a woman and her stylish "I Heart Crystal Meth" T-shirt on social media. Unfortunately, no points will be awarded for guessing tweaker Amy Poehler's charge, which, as you may have figured out, was a crime of passion.

Susan Sherman quit her job at St. Margaret Mary Catholic School in Louisville, Ken. this week after the school—fearing Ebola—demanded she take "precautionary leave" and place herself into 21-day quarantine following her mission trip to Kenya. There apparently was "strong parent concerns" that Sherman might have been exposed to Ebola, even though Kenya is on the opposite end of the continent from where the virus has been spreading.

A Kentucky jail inmate is under investigation for murder after he allegedly shared his contraband drug-soaked underwear with a cellmate, who died of a methadone overdose.

Louisville cheerleader Dani Cogswell was found dead in her campus apartment Monday morning, just hours after posting a #SelfieSunday to Instagram. Police are investigating but suspect no foul play. She was 22.

A Kentucky man arrested for shoplifting allegedly tried to get back at the cops by pretending to be a police officer and ordering five Domino's pizzas to the precinct.

A federal judge just struck down Kentucky's ban on gay marriage. The ruling, which is on hold pending an appeal, comes just six days after gay marriage bans in Utah and Indiana were ruled unconstitutional.

Aerial drones and roving robots have taken over the work of America's fighting forces. The remaining humans in the military are mostly concerned with Wiccan worship, transgender issues, and health care controversies at the Veteran's Administration. Maybe it's time to start honoring some real heroes on Memorial Day: the Tea Party candidates who lost their primaries to "RINO" Republican incumbents.

Sen. Mitch McConnell easily beat back a Republican primary challenge from Matt Bevin, the Tea Party-approved cockfighting enthusiast who was vying for his Kentucky Senate seat. Lesson learned: Don't mess around fighting with cocks.

A man in America's poorest county, Wolfe County, Kentucky, says he "will vote for anybody against Obama... I don't care if it's a Democrat, a Republican, an Indian, a Pakistani, even a Frenchman!" Also, Obama isn't running again, and Wolfe County is 98 percent white.

Last January, Kentucky State Penitentiary inmate James Embry died, following "weeks of erratic behavior" and a hunger strike. A new AP investigation shows that lax and incompetent prison officials stood by and let it happen.

When Connecticut defeated Kentucky to win the NCAA basketball championship last night, Wildcats fan Tyler Austin Black's UK "2014 Nati9nal Champions" tattoo suddenly made him a national laughingstock. But he's keeping it anyway.

As it was written, so shall it be. And Christ did write that thing about a well-regulated militia and bearing arms and, well, load me, Jesus, into the high-caliber rifle chamber of everlasting life!