This is an incredible night to be absolutely anyone other than Donald Trump. Let the owns continue.

Lisa Frank needlepoint Zooey Deschanel was photographed next to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar today while backstage at The View.

Someone dares invoke the earth-shattering wrath of Demi Moore by calling the ageless aged? Indeed! PageSix got porn-y. Sheriff TMZ's busting Maria Shriver and Lil' Wayne. Courtney Love, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin: still suck. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

Ellen Barkin is turning 55 today, although she probably shouldn't expect flowers from any of her famous exes. Legendary choreographer Merce Cunningham is turning 90. Model Alek Wek is 32. Actor Lukas Haas is turning 33. Architect Ricardo Scofidio is 74. Jon Cryer is 44. So is comedian Martin Lawrence. Basketball great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is turning 62. Patriots coach Bill Belichick turns 57. And Joseph Alois Ratzinger—the man better known as Pope Benedict XVI— is turning 82 years old today.

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You don't become the NBA's all-time scoring leader because you like to pass the ball. That philosophy applies to blogging as well for hoops legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who fired arguably the lowest-percentage shot of his professional life Wednesday with a baffling essay blending identity politics, film criticism and Barack Obama flag-waving. Or, as the Abdul-Jabbar playbook calls it, "Horton Hears a Racist":

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball legend, humanitarian, and LA Times blogger, turns 61 today. And he's not just sitting back quietly writing children's history books and skyhooking $100 bills into the garbage can; he's asking for a little birthday love from his readers! You are instructed to "send a detailed note to Kareem's manager if you can help make his birthday wishes come true." I would think he could take care of the "tropical vacation" out of his own pocket, but maybe not? After the jump, his wish list, and how YOU can help.

Just what the interweb needs: More middle-aged sports bloggers! The LA Times has launched a blog by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the bald-headed intellectual responsible for the skyhook and six NBA championships. Kareem is the rare professional athlete who became an author and historian, so his blog is, frankly, better written than most metro papers. And it includes a lesson on the black history angle of the invention of the lightbulb! So that's useful. But is this whole athlete/ blogger thing really a road we want to trod? Because Mr. Abdul-Jabbar might be the smartest guy doing it, but he's DAMN sure not the only one. Everything you need to know and nothing more, explained right now.