justin-bieber

Hollywood's Hottest Secret Society Is: Selena Gomez's Bible Study Group

Caity Weaver · 02/04/13 07:25PM

Hey, guys. Have you heard about this guy J.C.? He's a cool dude with some pretty radical ideas. He wanted everyone to be chill to one another, like the TOMS shoe guy, and he wore strappy gladiator sandals everywhere. He ended up getting betrayed by one of his best bros. Yeah, I guess you could say this J.C. was pretty neat.

Justin Bieber Thinks He Deserves a Grammy, Is Rapidly Becoming an Insufferable Brat

Rich Juzwiak · 01/29/13 05:11PM

Justin Bieber has a giant chip on his perpetually shirtless shoulder. He isn't doing much press for his new Believe Acoustic album, but he did sit down with Billboard's Bill Werde for a Q&A. Werde describes him as "unfailingly polite, though occasionally he flattens himself down into a black leather couch, hands jammed into his pockets, and seems bored," and "every bit a normal 18-year-old kid." Which is to say, he's a little bit of a dickhead.

Brawny Bieber Boorishly Bares Bulky Body

Hamilton Nolan · 01/29/13 04:28PM

This brash young zoot-suiter Justin Bieber had better learn something more than baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby—he had better learn some respect. Respect for rules. Respect for society. Respect for propriety. Here a nice young man like Justin is, parading around without a shirt on, torso unclad as you please. We fear that one more promising young man has fallen prey to the lure of orgiastic fashion malefaction.

Justin Bieber's Mom Made an Anti-Abortion Movie

Taylor Berman · 01/19/13 03:56PM

Poor Justin Bieber. When he's not the subject of a murder/castration plot or, worse, being mocked by James Franco, he's getting embarrassed by his mom, Pattie Mallette, who executive produced a pro-life film coming out soon. The movie, called Crescendo, will be screened at "pregnancy centers" around the country with the goal of raising $10 million. And, if you attend one of the screenings, you might just get lucky and see Mama Bieber herself; Mallette will appear at "some of these" screenings, according to Movie to Movement, the ridiculously named company that produced the film.

Tiny Adult Justin Bieber Can Assault His Bodyguards Because He is Very Famous

Jordan Sargent · 01/10/13 10:20PM

Justin Bieber is a tiny adult. But he's also one of the most famous people in the world and is thus impervious to consequences. One thing you can do as a tiny adult impervious to consequences that you can't do as a tiny adult subject to consequences (like, say, myself) is punch most people, including an ex-Israeli soldier who is your bodyguard. Such are the privileges of being young and famous.

Justin Bieber Has an Uncanny Doppelgänger, and He Isn't Even a Lesbian

Rich Juzwiak · 01/10/13 04:20PM

Meet Robin Verrecas, an 18-year-old owner/creative designer from Oostkamp, Belgium, who has worked for Coca Cola since birth, or so says his Facebook. This would be amazing in itself, but no matter what Verrecas accomplishes in life, it will always be overshadowed by his freakish resemblance to Justin Bieber. He seems at peace with this: one day when he was "B o r e d," he did a Chimpmunks-style lip synch to Bieber's "Girlfriend" and uploaded to Vimeo, and he often poses in pictures with the same, "I'm constipated...but should I be at this age?" look that Bieber is fond of.

Justin Bieber Is Almost Certainly Addicted to Marijuana

Caity Weaver · 01/07/13 12:05PM

Justin Bieber fans are disappointed to learn that the 18-year-old singer will be spending eternity rotting in hell, instead of giving free concerts where everyone is in the front row in heaven, after photos of him smoking what appears to be a big fat blunt full of drugs surfaced online over the weekend.

Police Thwart Plot to Murder and Castrate Justin Bieber

Taylor Berman · 12/12/12 08:46PM

According to KRQE, two hit men from New Mexico were arrested as part of an elaborate plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber last month. The plot was reportedly hatched in a New Mexico prison, where convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin recruited then-fellow inmate Mark Aaron Staake to carry out the gruesome crime (which was to involve strangulation with a paisley tie, apparently Martin's calling card) along with three other similar murders.

Bieber and Selena Gomez Skipped a Fancy Family Dinner to Play Games Because They Are Children Who Are Millionaires

Caity Weaver · 11/30/12 11:40AM

Susan Orlean's classic Esquire article, "The American Male at Age Ten," opens with the titular boy's description of what Susan Orlean's life would be like if the two were married. They would "both be good at Nintendo Street Fighter II, but Colin would be better." They wouldn't have sex—just crushes—and "magically, babies would appear." For fun, they "would load a slingshot with dog food" and aim it at Orlean's butt.

How to Explain the Latest Elmo Sex Scandal News to Your Kids: an Illustrated Guide Starring Spider-Man and My Little Pony

Max Read · 11/27/12 07:06PM

You thought you were out of the woods on explaining the Elmo sex scandal. Well you were wrong. Dead wrong. Puppeteer Kevin Clash, beloved for creating Sesame Street's Elmo character and also for creating this sex scandal, now faces three accusers who claim that Clash trolled gay phone chat lines to find underage teenagers to seduce at his home. And now you're asking yourself, "which gay phone chat lines, exactly, for research?" And also, "how can I tell my kids?"