Pretty much anything Bono or Sean Penn write is a festival of crap that would never be tolerated from another contributor. Even James Franco sounds like a moron in today's Wall Street Journal. Here's why:

In your terrible Thursday media column: Another print magazine dies, rumors of layoffs at ALM, the Dallas Morning News goes straight to journalism hell, and Town & Country is now officially sexy.

In your well-balanced Wednesday media column: NPR totally has Justinmania, Rob Shuter gets a new job, predictable Newseum layoffs, and Rupert Murdoch would like to teach the Arabs a thing or two.

If you want to write an article that gets the people talking, one good way is to just start classifying women in random groups, related to age and hot sexxx. Hot sexxxy cheetah ladies cannot resist this delicious media bait!

Thinking about taking a buyout, or leaving your media job to pursue your organic restaurant/piano teacher dreams? Read this depressing survey of 75 ex-Los Angeles Times journalists first. It's not pretty. Only 11 have landed full-time jobs!

Today we obtained a copy of one AOL editor's "welcome to the team" email to new writers.

In your traditional Tuesday media column: Lewis Lapham endures, Lou Dobbs is in demand, Charlie Rose gets a new column, and Sheriff Joe harassed by J-schoolers playing the race card.

The internet is turning us all into nasty, vengeful monsters, according to a Wall Street Journal columnist's trend piece. And you can become one of those monsters, by using the eye-opening tactics outlined in the article. Service-y!

Have you ever boned a secret luvah on your marital bed? Or had your spouse do that to you? And did you subsequently join a dating site that specializes in affairs? The NYT wants to talk to you!

Congratulations, leftist internet! Today marks the first time that Talking Points Memo, Josh Marshall's little political blog that could, handles the in-town White House pool report. They grow up so fast.

The Way It Was: An interesting look at the friendship between New York Times reporter Edith Evans Asbury and artist Georgia O'Keeffe—friendship eventually destroyed by reporting on O'Keeffe's private life. This is why hardcore reporters have no friends. [NYT]

In your maverick Monday media column: A word is preposterously declared to be The Top, Jim Lehrer takes it slow and steady, the Mike Penner vs. Christine Daniels question, and you are invited to a Hooker Pub.

We feel it is important for PR professionals to be aware—for the record—that the owner of the PR-centric media guide Bulldog Reporter is an odious free speech-hater and enemy of journalism. [Update: Letter from Sinkinson added below].

The internet needs more hot search keyword-driven advertorial "content" about as much as the internet needs AOL. So, welcome to the "linchpin" of AOL's growth strategy: Hot search keyword-driven advertorial "content" crap!

Kudos to the Washington Post for its Style section feature today on Med Grow Cannabis College. Who ever heard of such a thing?! Wait. The New York Times had it when? Saturday? This past Saturday? Fucking fuckity fuck.

There are two ways to "get into" journalism. One: Go to journalism school and rise through the ranks of the establishment. This is dumb. The other way: Fly off to a war zone and start reportin'! This is also dumb.

In your cheery Wednesday media column: our nemesis Martha Stewart's magazine implicated in decoration-for-prestige scheme, iTunes for magazines is coming, your weekly layoff roundup, and the Search Engine Media Wars heat up.

Here's how an accurate-but-slanted story becomes an outright lie: the conservative (and rapidly collapsing) Moonie-owned Washington Times notes that Republicans didn't show up to Obama's dinner. Then, Fox takes over.

At the end of December, the Washington Post will close its bureaus in Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York. This is the biggest write-off of on-the-scene domestic news coverage by any major paper yet.

In your trepidatious Tuesday media column: we hear the Time Inc. layoffs hit Fortune (and others?) today, BusinessWeek speaks robot language, Dave Eggers will not stop saving print, and a horrible massacre of journalists in the Philippines.